introvert's heart!

my friend sent this photo to me and it made me laugh - mostly because it's so accurate! 

word count = 17

renewal

wash it all away
let the day begin again
clean
fresh
renewed

word count: 11

thinking out loud

it's been almost two years since i touched this blog but here's an attempt to revive it again. i think since i started journaling again more regularly i've found that to be a better outlet for my private thoughts and struggles. but even though this post started out as an assignment for my writing class, maybe i'll think about coming back to it again..

i'm finding myself in a more philosophical state of mind lately - not moody or melancholy, but very often pensive, just thinking about life and doing a lot of introspection. one conversation i had recently with a friend ended with us concluding that life can be hard and it's unpredictable - a conversation more fitting for 60-year-olds than the 20-somethings we are. but as i've been trying to gain more insight into my own life and see things from a broader perspective, i think i've reached a point where i can really resonate with the author of Ecclesiastes - everything is meaningless, and purpose is found in God alone. purpose in life is where my journey with the Lord really began, and i feel like i'm starting to come full circle again.

word count: 196

Passion 2012

I prepared a lot for Passion this year – a lot of prayer meetings with the church and with my servants team, staying after late for the weeks beforehand practicing with the band. I was really excited for a weekend of great worship and had really high expectations. Although I wasn’t disappointed, as always I was surprised by the way God chose to speak to me; the worship was powerful, but I felt like the real breakthrough for me came through the messages – they honestly turned my worldview upside down and made me consider living in a way I had never imagined.

The first night the speaker spoke about giving God costly worship. And this really struck a chord in me because it had actually been something I had been thinking about all summer and semester – if I serve, what will I have to give up for God? What will it cost me? Is it worth it? So it really hit me when Dr. Murray said that the question was not whether it’s worth it, but whether He was worthy – a subtle difference but one that turned the analysis of whether what I was doing was worth the sacrifices of time, energy, money etc. into a simple answer of whether God is worth my life. It definitely challenged my faith, and this first night really showed me that God wanted to speak to me in a way that would change the way I see everything – not just church or my personal worship to Him, but the way I see my life.

The third night Dr. Murray talked about our work for the Lord, and how his desire is to see the evangelization of the entire world. He spoke about how if we’re not evangelizing right now wherever we are, nothing will change when we try to go somewhere else on missions. This again was another point that I had been convicted of before Passion, but hit me very strongly; I had been struggling with how to be a witness in my workplace, how to be Christian and how to show Jesus to people who are clearly lost without Him and searching for something more. And I realized during this message that I have been such a coward, so concerned with not being intrusive or bringing up sensitive topics that I didn’t consider that their souls were hanging in the balance. This led to a realization that the root of all this struggle is truly my own fear – another recurring theme from the summer, when I realized how much fear I have worshiping in front of others; although I have begun to break through that barrier in worship, I realized it continues to pervade every aspect of my life. And I need to learn how to overcome that fear in order to make my entire life a reflection of worship – to profess my love and devotion to my Lord not just during corporate worship, not just during my personal QTs, but in my public life; I realized that if I didn’t reflect the genuine passion I have for God to the outside world, it cheapened my worship and made me into a hypocrite. P.Young prayed over me, declaring that God would give me the compassion and strength I need, and to be stubborn for the Lord; I felt like these also were related to boldness in evangelism.

Then on Sunday at service, Dr. Murray spoke for the last time about signing our lives away to God. He challenged us to sign a blank sheet of paper and then allowing God to fill it with whatever He wanted. This sermon really made me feel like I was coming full circle as I reflected on the first time I gave my life to Christ, declaring that He was Lord over my life and allowing Him to do whatever He wanted with it; but it also brought to the surface more fear about what that really meant. Physical danger, living outside the US, being far away from friends and family – these were all things that came to mind as things that I didn’t know how I would be able to handle; but as I prayed, God reminded me that He would never give me more than I could bear, that if these were things He wanted from me that He would prepare me and train me for them. And so I committed to not fitting God into my neatly structured plans for the future, but to unconditionally allow Him to write my story – to rather ask Him for His vision for this world and to fit my life into His kingdom work; I still have much fear about it but I’ve begun to consider for the first time things like living outside the US for missions and I feel like God truly opened my eyes to begin to see greater things He wants to do through me. 

AMI 2012

:: preparing the way in my heart ::
prior to AMI, i had been wrestling with God in trusting Him and His way. i spent a month at home recuperating from the difficulties of the past year, and during the last few weeks at home i thought and prayed a lot about whether i should serve as a family group leader this year. i usually am not overly obsessed with grades and usually just consider my best effort as being glorifying to God, but i started getting overwhelmed with the need to study more during this year and focus more on classwork so i can raise my GPA enough to go to med school. my mind latched onto the thought that serving gcc had made my past year so difficult because of all the things i couldn't do. in all honesty i know that because i served gcc so much this year, my schoolwork was not as good as it could have been if i had unlimited time. but i kept hearing God asking me if i was going to sacrifice faithfulness in a more immediate place for the sake of some grander plan that i might envision for my future - if i was going to be faithful only in the things that i wanted and not to what He had called me to. i also felt like God was asking me what i would do if He asked me to lay down going to med school, and i really had to struggle before i could tell God that i could lay down my 10 year-long dream if He called me to; i still believe that God has given me a heart and interest for medicine for a reason and i intend to pursue it to the end with all my ability, but i have so much more peace in knowing that i have already surrendered it to God. and so my time at home became very much a time of laying down before the Lord things in my life that could become idols. even my desire to have a fun and carefree senior year was laid down before Him as i asked Him to give me joy in the things that His heart beats for, not my earthly desires. i think this month of rest and wrestling was God's plan to get me in a place where i could clearly receive the blessings and visions He gave me during AMI.


:: AMI revolution ::
this was my third AMI revolution and just like all the others, it was such a huge blessing, but i just praise God when i think of how differently He meets me each time i go to AMI and how much He has changed me through each year. perhaps it was because i had been doing a lot of introspective prayer and experiencing a lot of personal breakthrough before the conference, but regardless, God really set His church on my heart during AMI. during worship i was being truly blessed, but especially as i helped out the RWC band during worship, God wanted to show me what He was doing in the congregation. as i saw hands reaching out to God in worship and heard voices crying out to Him, God reminded me that these are the people whom He loves, and that He is well pleased with them no matter their brokenness. i felt like God was telling me to pour out myself for them, to sing not just for my own communion with the Lord, but to tell to the body of Christ what God wanted to speak to them - to break every chain, to live for Him with everything, to accept His amazing grace. as i was praying and worshiping, the verse in Isaiah came to mind: 


" A voice of one calling: 'In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.'" - Isaiah 40:3


in my mind, i saw the image of a desert but God was telling me to prepare the way for Him. He showed me that the hearts in this congregation were dry and thirsty for His presence, and that He was going to come and bring restoration and healing through streams of living water. He showed me that His purpose was to restore these hearts to the condition He designed them to be in, overflowing with His Spirit, and that He wanted me to be a part of it. and as we sang, there was such power, i felt like the room was trembling with power just waiting to be released. AMI sermons had been about how ministry without the power of God is fruitless and boring and how we need to grab hold of His power - through this worship time and through these sermons God kept reminding me that He has every power in heaven and on earth to give me, that if i only seek it, it will be mine. 

in my own personal convictions, one thing that especially stuck out to me was the prayer that P.Kirt prayed over me, that God is ready to take me to the next level and that i shouldn't fear what is to come because it is not my own abilities but His that will be accomplishing His kingdom work. i hope that this summer and in the next school year, God will take me to the next level not just in my own spiritual life, but also in the power of my prayers for other people and the power of my worship. also, in that prayer God was telling me just how delighted He is when we meet together to just spend quiet time together, and that these times are my source of strength; i sensed that there will be struggle in the near future, but God was encouraging me not to give up doing good deeds in His kingdom, to persevere. something else that i received during that prayer was the encouragement to be less sensitive, which caught my attention because i've realized this year in particular that i am easily discouraged and hurt by others' words that are not usually intended to be hurtful. also, P.Kirt prayed that although i was young, i would learn to mother others instead of being mothered; as he prayed this, i sensed that God was calling me not just to expressing emotional love to younger sisters and cooking for them etc. but the deepest kind of mothering - the quiet sacrificial love that can only come from the heart of parent.

there is so much to mull over from everything i've received from AMI that (amidst my busyness) it took me a full month to finally pen this all down. this AMI revolution was just as powerful as the other conferences and retreats i've attended, but it's the only conference where i've felt more empowered following the conference. the Lord was faithful to answer my prayers, asking for a passion i had never experienced and for visions for His kingdom. i feel so empowered by this new fire in my heart, not just a temporary "high" that washes off in a few days but a flame that has been growing stronger this past month and will, by His grace, continue consuming even more of my heart and mind in the year to come. Lord let your fire come!

consume me

"Fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar. And when all the people saw it, they shouted for joy and fell facedown." -Leviticus 9:24

Lord as you consume the offering of this life, let me fall facedown before you in joyful worship..

Passion Week Day 3

Wednesday: no records of what happened on this day

thoughts bouncing around in my head from morning prayer and bible study..
- the battle between faith and fear: the battle the apostles struggled with and my personal battlefield
- Jesus' words from the cross: i can't imagine how much physical pain he must have been enduring, for so many hours at that point, but he makes the great effort to speak about what is on his heart even at that moment - "Father, forgive their sins." grace of mind-blowing proportions.
- ultimate betrayal, loneliness, weariness: the weight of all that burden put on his shoulders so that they would not crush mine

Lord let the gospel sink in once more, do not allow it to become stale to my ears. allow the gospel to bring ashes into flame again, let your love bring to life what was dead in my heart.

Jesus how can i respond to what you have done with anything less than all my praise?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything