a day of firsts

today me and four other girls went on an awesome beach trip to ocean city, NJ. we left around 7 in the morning and drove for about an hour and a half before we got there, but because we missed GCC service, we decided to go to a Catholic mass. it was very interesting for me because i've never really experienced any other church besides my home church and GCC (okay so i visited a white christian church ONCE but that's really it..). it was different, to say the least.

after we sat down in pews, the priest began reciting certain creeds and pausing to hear the response from the congregation. this didn't seem too different from our recitation of the apostles' creed, but in a different and more elongated format. but one conspicuous difference was that this seemed to take the place of worship; there was no other form of "opening worship". after several rounds of this we sat down and the priest began to talk. he read the Lord's Prayer and then read a short story relating to it, following it up with a comparison of his own. and then, to my complete shock, it was over. the sermon had only lasted about 15 minutes at the maximum (and honestly, that was probably due more to the priest's slow manner of speech than the actual length of what he read). i was completely taken aback because i hadn't heard a message that short since i was in the church's pre-school program! after that, there were more recitations of creeds that i couldn't quite catch, and then hymns were sung during the collection of offering. the hymns were beautiful, accompanied only by voice and (i think) organ. then, the whole congregation got up row by row to take Communion. i took the wafer and brought it back to my seat, not really caring that the lady had told me to eat it right away; i wanted to reflect and prepare my heart before i took Communion, and the four of us who were Asian stuck out like sore thumbs in this all-white church anyway so i didn't care much if i was breaking "tradition".

that's the crux of what i concluded from that mass. for me personally, it was hard to find Jesus amidst the man-made traditions and rituals. it seemed like it would be very easy to slip into the routine of coming to church for the service every Sunday, never once stopping to think about the significance of those actions, and completely missing an encounter with the living God. part of it is probably that it was different for me and that i have been used to being given time to pray and meet with God personally (my friend told me later that often Catholics come early to the service and pray on their own before mass) so it was more difficult for me. but it really made me think: even within our own church community, how often do we go through the motions of going to church and church activities - but completely miss Jesus? this morning, i felt like my spiritual senses got a little keener and i was praying for the spirit of discernment between my opinion and the truth. but regardless, it was a blessing because i really approached that service seeking to find God, determined to meet with Him on His holy day.

on a completely different note..

i went to a new jersey beach for the first time today and it was so much fun! it was so blessing to fellowship with the girls, especially since sunny and i did a devotion and prayed together early in the morning after we woke up. it was a time of fun and sun and it was just what i needed to rejunevate myself in preparation for this week :)

setting my priorities straight

this is what we have older sisters in christ for.. i'm so thankful :)

extravagant waste

My computer died on Friday :(

I was walking home from work and it suddenly began pouring like I've never seen before. I was literally trudging home soaking wet, my jeans sticking to my legs, ankle-deep in floodwater everywhere. I checked to make sure my backpack was keeping all the things in my backpack dry as I took cover briefly at the Penn bookstore (it was) but somehow by the time I got home (less than 10 min later) water had seeped into my backpack past my laptop protective case and into the laptop itself. I hoped I could save it, but after I got a $100 diagnosis by an Apple care provider, they told me the damage would cost $900 to fix. So I'm getting a new laptop and I'm beating myself up for my stupidity. If only I had thought to wrap my laptop up in a plastic bag or put it inside my jacket, I wouldn't need to pay another $1000 (basically everything I've earned so far this summer at work..) to buy another laptop barely a year after my first (which was supposed to last me four years >.>). Sighhh.. It's just such a waste of money to pay for my idiocy and I really really hate being wasteful.

But it reminded me of a sermon I heard about the parable of the prodigal son. It was the first time I had ever heard the true definition of "prodigal". I had always assumed (from the context of the parable) that it meant "returning after going astray". But what it really means is "wasteful, extravagant". The pastor then went on to explain that in the parable, it is not only the son who is "prodigal", but that the Father represents a Prodigal God as well (he took points from Tim Keller's book, The Prodigal God). God's love is extravagant for us, but so wasteful if you think about it. Why would God love us so much when we can't give Him back anything of worth? In a profits-and-returns point of view, that's a waste of an investment. But fortunately for us, God doesn't think of what He can receive in return, but rather pours out His love on us extravagantly. He didn't hold back anything from us but offered Himself to us through Jesus, inviting us to have intimate fellowship with Him, calling us to run into His arms and spend eternity with Him. For Him, this is the most extravagant waste conceivable; for us, it is the most precious gift.

about me?

My profile is empty because I'm too unoriginal (and too lazy) to describe myself in a witty way :P

So.. I am going to let people send me questions about myself for a while and then answer them in a post. I promise to answer honestly and I'll only not answer questions that I think are a waste of my time haha. So ask me about anything and everything.

Ready, set, GO! :D

the case for christ

The past few days I've been thinking about starting summer class (dreading it with all my heart) and marveling at how hard I study to learn useless information that I will never again need my whole life. And then I thought about how much effort I spend in comparison learning and studying Jesus; my conclusion was pathetic. So I'm going to begin putting more of an effort into learning about Jesus objectively rather than just depending on my subjective experience. After all, "Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your MIND.'" (Matthew 22:37, emphasis mine) Obviously, this quest of mine will include majorly stepping up my Bible reading, but I also want to get a better context with which to read the Word and be able to defend my position as a Christian. I've been asking people for recommendations on good Christian books (let me know if you have any! :D) and I went to the bookstore yesterday to just browse. I came across this book I've been meaning to read for a while, called The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It was so good, I couldn't put it down (I literally read the book while walking from the bookstore to my house).

Lee Strobel was a investigative journalist for the Chicago Tribune and after his wife became Christian, he applied his investigative skills to objectively explore the life and resurrection of Jesus. He began as an atheist trying to prove that Jesus was merely a good teacher, not the Son of God - and he completed his two year journey by committing his life to Christ. He concluded that there was no logical explanation for Jesus other than the claim that he was the Messiah. He said that he had seen many criminals sentenced to death row on much less evidence than what he had been presented with.

He consulted medical, archaelogical, psychological, and theological experts - all of whom supported their Christian beliefs with solid evidence and sound logic. It was heartening to read about Christian experts discussing Jesus as a historical and objective fact, rather than merely something that can be experienced in our hearts. Strobel did his research thoroughly on all the objections and conspiracy theories about the cross and the empty grave, challenging these experts, only to be faced with conclusive evidence that Jesus truly lived and rose from the dead. For me personally, it was a confirmation of my faith and gave me logical reasons to support it against arguments of skeptics. It also contained a few real and personal testimonies, which were blessing to read. I highly recommend this book to any non-believers and seekers who read it with an open mind. To you, I'd say leave open the possibility that just maybe there really was an incredible man who came 2,000 years ago to redeem His people, and is still continuing to transform people's lives today =]

fresh beginnings

I decided to start a blog, mostly just to be able to have a place to write out my mind's meanderings, but also to be able to share how I've been blessed and moved =]

Since AMI Revolution was what triggered the idea to start a blog, I'll start there. I've tried to condense my experience as much as possible but there were just too many blessings and convictions so this post will still be extremely long.

I came to AMI with a very weary spirit, but one that wasn’t really thirsting after God. Even though I dedicated this summer to growing in Christ and really seeking after God’s will, it was really difficult for me to put that in practice. Between family group, FNL, Sunday service, and constantly meeting up with GCC people, it was easy for me to rely on those things to feed me spiritually rather than seek after God in my own quiet times. The first night, however, God really addressed this apathetic attitude in me. Pastor Sam came and preached about how God has so much more in store for us than we could ever imagine – that we are content to only eat the crumbs falling from the table when He has prepared an amazing banquet for us. I began to pray for an outpouring of the Spirit, and this really set the tone for all my worship and prayer throughout the conference. I’m so thankful; I believe I’ve finally experienced what it means to hunger after God, to really seek His presence – not for the sake of seeking answers, but just to want to be filled by Him.

I attended the “Ministry of Worship” seminar, which I think was applicable not only to ministries involving music but also just to everyday Christians. P. Bruce talked about what it means to really worship; because we have been purified by Christ, now all our actions are holy and that means worship is 24/7, not just when we sing or attend service. And the body of believers needs to worship in spirit and in truth, to praise God for the reality of who He is so that this is not determined by our circumstances or emotions, but that we praise God regardless of these things at all times simply because of who He is.

The second night, P. Sam preached about having an orphan spirit, how we often forget that we are children of God. I was really struck by this and realized that when I pray, I never call God “Father”. I’ve just been so stuck in this performance orientation in my spiritual journey, so focused on serving my Lord and judging my spirituality by what I do. I completely abuse the verse James 2:18 (“Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.”) and instead I begin “performing” for God, trying to prove to Him how faithful I am and how much I love Him by what I do for Him. I am constantly beating myself up for not being a faithful enough servant, telling myself that God deserves so much more than what I am giving Him, constantly feeling the weight of failing God on my heart. And because of that, I cannot rest in my Father’s arms and simply enjoy being in His presence. P. Sam spoke about how spiritually, emotionally, and even physically exhausting this is – and I knew exactly what he was talking about. My body and spirit were so weary going into AMI that all I wanted to do was escape from everything in Philly and go somewhere else. All my feelings of failing God, myself, and other people were just so heavy that I couldn’t even summon up the energy to be hungry for God. But, as P. Sam reminded me, this Christian life has never been about what I can do – it is always about what God can do, and is doing, in my life. It’s all about this amazing love of the Father who sees His children when they are far from Him and runs to embrace them; it’s all about the sufficiency of His grace that covers our deepest shame and failure. Later during ministry time, P. Sam prayed for me. He told me that I was God’s precious daughter, His treasure, that even though I viewed myself as a rock, I was like a diamond in God’s eyes. He also told me that I was not a welcoming doormat. As I found a spot to pray, I just closed my eyes and sat there, letting those words wash over me and heal all the brokenness inside my heart. I felt the presence of God nearer to me than I have since the day I was saved. All those feelings of failure fell from me and I was just overwhelmed with grace; it’s not something I can adequately describe in words. I also began praying for God to reveal to me what He meant by “you are not a welcoming doormat”, and He started to show me all the resentment I had built up in my heart for all the relationships in my life where I felt like people were using me, stepping on me. But through it, He began healing that bitterness – even if I am used by other people, it doesn’t matter because He is the God who sees me and views me as a precious treasure. As I continued to pray, I had this clear picture in my mind’s eye: I was sitting on the ground cross-legged in an empty room and God’s hand was resting on my head, anointing me. I wasn’t sure what to make of this until later after the service, when I looked at my AMI booklet and saw the cover; the theme of AMI was “Overflow” and the corresponding verse was taken from Psalm 23:5 – “You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” That’s when I understood that God’s intent in that anointing was to bless me, to fill me until I overflowed with joy.

The last night, P. Young led us into prayer time after the message and he told us to just relax and let the Spirit do work in us. That was strange for me because I’m used to fighting for blessings, crying out to God to come down in power. But instead I just sat there and I started to pray quietly, just telling God honestly what was on my heart. I told Him that I was tired of constantly fighting the discouragement I feel when I fail, that I was tired of being stuck in this performance orientation, that I was tired of even being hungry for His presence. I told Him that I didn’t feel like I could do it anymore. I expected God to tell me that His grace was sufficient for me, and that I could continue fighting with His strength. Instead, I heard an audible voice inside my head telling me, “I will fight for you. I am singing over you.” This was the first time I have ever been confident that God was speaking to me directly; it was not a response I would have imagined coming from God and the Spirit gave me faith in my heart that this was truly from God. When I got home after AMI, I looked up references to God singing and this is the verse I found: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) I was kind of blown away by the intensity of this verse. God was telling me that even though I am weak, He is mighty to save, that He will fight for me. And not only that, but although I feel so inadequate before Him, He takes great delight in me and will gently quiet all my fears with His amazing love.