being refined

lately i've been having a hard time because i've been involved in a lot of conflicts. it's been somewhat discouraging because it's made me see so clearly how much i'm lacking in patience and love, plus it's been a strain emotionally and mentally; tension is something i don't deal with well and mostly just avoid like the plague. but i've realized slowly that this is really an answer to my prayer that God would show me where i need to grow more, that He would show me my sin so that i can grow from it. and i really believe i've been growing, not only in how to lay down my pride and seek to understand the other person, but also in realizing just how far i fall short of God's perfection. it's truly amazing to think about how God can love someone as flawed as me, when i can't even love other people as imperfect as i am. also, i think God's been giving me opportunities to deepen relationships with people around me - older brothers and sisters who listen and give me wisdom that i need to hear, friends who sympathize, and my roommate who stays up late into the night to talk and pray with me. but most of all, when i'm able to talk to that person i've fought with and we come to a place of understanding, it's like a new depth has been discovered - we're able to love and forgive because Christ is the base of that relationship, because God's love is flowing through and between us. i see God's hand working to shape my character, to show me the depth of my depravity and how sufficient His grace is in the midst of that. i am a work in progress, being refined to become a worker for His kingdom :)

daddy's little girl

i love my mom like crazy but ever since i was little, i've always been a daddy's girl. i have two sisters and no brothers, so my dad doesn't have any sons, but i was a little tomboy when i was younger. for example, when we went camping, my older sister would help my mom cook and set up the beds, while me and my dad would set up the tent and get wood to start the fire. i also took up the mantle of my dad's obsession with Star Wars, going to see all the movies with him in the theaters and watching all the rest so often that i could (and still can) quote multiple scenes by memory. i played (or tried to play) all the sports my dad liked too, namely soccer and tennis. since i utterly failed at soccer, i settled for tennis and played as long as i can remember, as well as for four years in high school; i still love to play with my dad when i go home for breaks. i even imitated my dad in the foods i chose to eat when i was little. since i couldn't eat kimchi when i was small, i settled for eating pickles so that i could make the same kind of crunching noise my dad made when he ate kimchi at dinner ^^

having this kind of relationship with my dad should have been easier for me to accept God as my heavenly Father, and to enjoy the same kind of warm and loving relationship. but for reasons that are still unknown to me, i really struggle with viewing God as my Father. i know others struggle with this because their earthly fathers are distant figures of authority who simply demand results from their children, but my dad is not like that. he always told me to do my best, but never instilled in me a performance mentality; rather, i did the things i did when i was younger to please him because i love my dad. in the same way, God calls us to serve not because He orders us to; rather, He wants it to be an offering of ourselves that results from a love relationship with our Maker. i tend to view God as my Master, and trying to live my life as a servant rather than a child of God. i constantly find that i'm frustrated with myself because i know what God wants from me is just an outpouring of His love returned to Him and i'm not sure why i can't view serving in that light - why it sometimes feels like a burden rather than a joy, why i get frustrated with others who i'm supposed to be humbly serving, why my heart is sometimes simply not in the right place. i get stuck in performance mentality - doing things for God without allowing the relationship to drive those things.

enter Experiencing God! it's only been a week but already, i love love LOVE this bible study guide and i'm so glad that me and my accountability partner decided to go through it this year. last night, i was feeling really run-down from being sick and trying to plan the saturday hangout, but after going through the bible study i felt RENEWED and completely invigorated. the study was about serving and said that a servant is not someone who asks God "what do you want me to do?" but rather someone God works with and through. it reminded me that is not our own efforts that that accomplish anything; everything we do without God is worthless. it is God's work that we are partnering with, God's work that is establishing His kingdom here on earth. another point i really liked was that "to be a servant of God, you must be moldable and remain in the hand of your Master". i felt like this was really basic, but again, something i forget all the time! although God does send me off to do His work, i can't forget that i'm never taken out of His hand; He is always carrying me so i should never feel the burden of "having" to do His work. God's work is a delight, and even when it can get hard, God himself is so much bigger and He takes all the weight off my shoulders. all i have to do is enjoy serving Him and bless His people, showing them the great POWER of the God we are serving :) essentially, i can just take on the role of a child, having eyes only for my Father - watching and imitating the things he does, but also resting in His arms and allowing Him to carry me. i'm not required to follow my Father's example, but because i'm driven to be like Him and please Him, i will naturally end up serving like He did. i want to have the mark of my Father on me, for everyone to be able to see that i am my daddy's little girl.

This is my memory verse for this week, courtesy of EG: "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5

exploding with excitement

it's been such a long time since my blog post and this short little blurb is a completely inadequate update, but my heart right now is just too excited to post anything reflective or meaningful in any way. i am completely bursting with anticipation! i have so many things to look forward to for this year..

1. GCC intro night tomorrow night & frosh/soph hangout on saturday
2. new family groups starting this week!
3. FRESHMENNNNN!!! enough said ^^
4. starting Experiencing God with sunny kang (there's your shout out haha)
5. all the awesome things God has waiting in store for me this year, molding and shaping of my heart and character
6. joining band!
7. watching God work in our class to grow us in wisdom and love
8. my super awesome living arrangement with my lovely roommate christine shen =]
9. classes that are actually interesting to me with profs that seem really chill and cool
10. EVERYTHING ELSE that i don't know about yet but can feel waiting for me around the corner =]

even though people keep telling me that i will probably have a sophomore slump, right now i'm just so so excited for this year!