Passion 2012

I prepared a lot for Passion this year – a lot of prayer meetings with the church and with my servants team, staying after late for the weeks beforehand practicing with the band. I was really excited for a weekend of great worship and had really high expectations. Although I wasn’t disappointed, as always I was surprised by the way God chose to speak to me; the worship was powerful, but I felt like the real breakthrough for me came through the messages – they honestly turned my worldview upside down and made me consider living in a way I had never imagined.

The first night the speaker spoke about giving God costly worship. And this really struck a chord in me because it had actually been something I had been thinking about all summer and semester – if I serve, what will I have to give up for God? What will it cost me? Is it worth it? So it really hit me when Dr. Murray said that the question was not whether it’s worth it, but whether He was worthy – a subtle difference but one that turned the analysis of whether what I was doing was worth the sacrifices of time, energy, money etc. into a simple answer of whether God is worth my life. It definitely challenged my faith, and this first night really showed me that God wanted to speak to me in a way that would change the way I see everything – not just church or my personal worship to Him, but the way I see my life.

The third night Dr. Murray talked about our work for the Lord, and how his desire is to see the evangelization of the entire world. He spoke about how if we’re not evangelizing right now wherever we are, nothing will change when we try to go somewhere else on missions. This again was another point that I had been convicted of before Passion, but hit me very strongly; I had been struggling with how to be a witness in my workplace, how to be Christian and how to show Jesus to people who are clearly lost without Him and searching for something more. And I realized during this message that I have been such a coward, so concerned with not being intrusive or bringing up sensitive topics that I didn’t consider that their souls were hanging in the balance. This led to a realization that the root of all this struggle is truly my own fear – another recurring theme from the summer, when I realized how much fear I have worshiping in front of others; although I have begun to break through that barrier in worship, I realized it continues to pervade every aspect of my life. And I need to learn how to overcome that fear in order to make my entire life a reflection of worship – to profess my love and devotion to my Lord not just during corporate worship, not just during my personal QTs, but in my public life; I realized that if I didn’t reflect the genuine passion I have for God to the outside world, it cheapened my worship and made me into a hypocrite. P.Young prayed over me, declaring that God would give me the compassion and strength I need, and to be stubborn for the Lord; I felt like these also were related to boldness in evangelism.

Then on Sunday at service, Dr. Murray spoke for the last time about signing our lives away to God. He challenged us to sign a blank sheet of paper and then allowing God to fill it with whatever He wanted. This sermon really made me feel like I was coming full circle as I reflected on the first time I gave my life to Christ, declaring that He was Lord over my life and allowing Him to do whatever He wanted with it; but it also brought to the surface more fear about what that really meant. Physical danger, living outside the US, being far away from friends and family – these were all things that came to mind as things that I didn’t know how I would be able to handle; but as I prayed, God reminded me that He would never give me more than I could bear, that if these were things He wanted from me that He would prepare me and train me for them. And so I committed to not fitting God into my neatly structured plans for the future, but to unconditionally allow Him to write my story – to rather ask Him for His vision for this world and to fit my life into His kingdom work; I still have much fear about it but I’ve begun to consider for the first time things like living outside the US for missions and I feel like God truly opened my eyes to begin to see greater things He wants to do through me. 

AMI 2012

:: preparing the way in my heart ::
prior to AMI, i had been wrestling with God in trusting Him and His way. i spent a month at home recuperating from the difficulties of the past year, and during the last few weeks at home i thought and prayed a lot about whether i should serve as a family group leader this year. i usually am not overly obsessed with grades and usually just consider my best effort as being glorifying to God, but i started getting overwhelmed with the need to study more during this year and focus more on classwork so i can raise my GPA enough to go to med school. my mind latched onto the thought that serving gcc had made my past year so difficult because of all the things i couldn't do. in all honesty i know that because i served gcc so much this year, my schoolwork was not as good as it could have been if i had unlimited time. but i kept hearing God asking me if i was going to sacrifice faithfulness in a more immediate place for the sake of some grander plan that i might envision for my future - if i was going to be faithful only in the things that i wanted and not to what He had called me to. i also felt like God was asking me what i would do if He asked me to lay down going to med school, and i really had to struggle before i could tell God that i could lay down my 10 year-long dream if He called me to; i still believe that God has given me a heart and interest for medicine for a reason and i intend to pursue it to the end with all my ability, but i have so much more peace in knowing that i have already surrendered it to God. and so my time at home became very much a time of laying down before the Lord things in my life that could become idols. even my desire to have a fun and carefree senior year was laid down before Him as i asked Him to give me joy in the things that His heart beats for, not my earthly desires. i think this month of rest and wrestling was God's plan to get me in a place where i could clearly receive the blessings and visions He gave me during AMI.


:: AMI revolution ::
this was my third AMI revolution and just like all the others, it was such a huge blessing, but i just praise God when i think of how differently He meets me each time i go to AMI and how much He has changed me through each year. perhaps it was because i had been doing a lot of introspective prayer and experiencing a lot of personal breakthrough before the conference, but regardless, God really set His church on my heart during AMI. during worship i was being truly blessed, but especially as i helped out the RWC band during worship, God wanted to show me what He was doing in the congregation. as i saw hands reaching out to God in worship and heard voices crying out to Him, God reminded me that these are the people whom He loves, and that He is well pleased with them no matter their brokenness. i felt like God was telling me to pour out myself for them, to sing not just for my own communion with the Lord, but to tell to the body of Christ what God wanted to speak to them - to break every chain, to live for Him with everything, to accept His amazing grace. as i was praying and worshiping, the verse in Isaiah came to mind: 


" A voice of one calling: 'In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.'" - Isaiah 40:3


in my mind, i saw the image of a desert but God was telling me to prepare the way for Him. He showed me that the hearts in this congregation were dry and thirsty for His presence, and that He was going to come and bring restoration and healing through streams of living water. He showed me that His purpose was to restore these hearts to the condition He designed them to be in, overflowing with His Spirit, and that He wanted me to be a part of it. and as we sang, there was such power, i felt like the room was trembling with power just waiting to be released. AMI sermons had been about how ministry without the power of God is fruitless and boring and how we need to grab hold of His power - through this worship time and through these sermons God kept reminding me that He has every power in heaven and on earth to give me, that if i only seek it, it will be mine. 

in my own personal convictions, one thing that especially stuck out to me was the prayer that P.Kirt prayed over me, that God is ready to take me to the next level and that i shouldn't fear what is to come because it is not my own abilities but His that will be accomplishing His kingdom work. i hope that this summer and in the next school year, God will take me to the next level not just in my own spiritual life, but also in the power of my prayers for other people and the power of my worship. also, in that prayer God was telling me just how delighted He is when we meet together to just spend quiet time together, and that these times are my source of strength; i sensed that there will be struggle in the near future, but God was encouraging me not to give up doing good deeds in His kingdom, to persevere. something else that i received during that prayer was the encouragement to be less sensitive, which caught my attention because i've realized this year in particular that i am easily discouraged and hurt by others' words that are not usually intended to be hurtful. also, P.Kirt prayed that although i was young, i would learn to mother others instead of being mothered; as he prayed this, i sensed that God was calling me not just to expressing emotional love to younger sisters and cooking for them etc. but the deepest kind of mothering - the quiet sacrificial love that can only come from the heart of parent.

there is so much to mull over from everything i've received from AMI that (amidst my busyness) it took me a full month to finally pen this all down. this AMI revolution was just as powerful as the other conferences and retreats i've attended, but it's the only conference where i've felt more empowered following the conference. the Lord was faithful to answer my prayers, asking for a passion i had never experienced and for visions for His kingdom. i feel so empowered by this new fire in my heart, not just a temporary "high" that washes off in a few days but a flame that has been growing stronger this past month and will, by His grace, continue consuming even more of my heart and mind in the year to come. Lord let your fire come!

consume me

"Fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar. And when all the people saw it, they shouted for joy and fell facedown." -Leviticus 9:24

Lord as you consume the offering of this life, let me fall facedown before you in joyful worship..

Passion Week Day 3

Wednesday: no records of what happened on this day

thoughts bouncing around in my head from morning prayer and bible study..
- the battle between faith and fear: the battle the apostles struggled with and my personal battlefield
- Jesus' words from the cross: i can't imagine how much physical pain he must have been enduring, for so many hours at that point, but he makes the great effort to speak about what is on his heart even at that moment - "Father, forgive their sins." grace of mind-blowing proportions.
- ultimate betrayal, loneliness, weariness: the weight of all that burden put on his shoulders so that they would not crush mine

Lord let the gospel sink in once more, do not allow it to become stale to my ears. allow the gospel to bring ashes into flame again, let your love bring to life what was dead in my heart.

Jesus how can i respond to what you have done with anything less than all my praise?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

Passion Week Day 2

Tuesday
money and taxes. signs of the end of the age. the greatest commandment. all these things Jesus talked about were so important to him, important enough to take time to teach about it during his final week. he knew what was coming, he knew he had limited time - these are the things that were weighing on his mind, things that he wanted his disciples to know before they were left without their Teacher. but among the grand teachings about hypocrisy and money and the second coming, Jesus took notice of a poor widow's offering at the temple - an offering worth almost nothing in the eyes of this world, but such a precious offering to our Lord. "They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything - all she had to live on." (Mark 12:44)

what a striking difference between me and this widow. she gave everything she owned to God in offering, with a thankful and joyous heart, not afraid to give it all because she trusted that He would provide for her. and me? out of the great wealth that i've been given, still trying to calculate how much i can afford to give, not just in money, but also in time and energy; more often than not, becoming bitter or just weary from giving to the Lord; so very afraid to put all of my life into His hands, wanting control and security. it seems implausible from the world's eyes that Jesus would take notice of such a woman as this widow, but the world couldn't see the heart that was so pure and beautiful to Jesus' eyes. and when i reflect on what Jesus must see in my heart, i know it isn't the heart of this widow. Lord, give me an undivided heart that lives only for You, purify my heart..

Teach me Your ways, Oh Lord
And I will walk in Your truth
Teach me Your ways, Oh Lord
I am devoted to You

Purify my heart's desire
I long to be Your servant

Give me an undivided heart
That I may fear Your name
Give me an undivided heart
No other gods, no other love
No other gods before You

Passion Week Day 1

already hungry and feeling weak, but i can feel something coming to life..

Monday
righteous anger, fury. the house of God turned into a place where people are buying and selling, corruption in a holy place - the house of prayer made into a den of robbers. how much sadness Jesus must have felt to see that His people were effectively choosing money over the presence of God, choosing to succumb to greed and materialism within the house of the Lord. and then i look at my own heart - how many times have i chosen this world and its tempting offers over the only One who can satisfy? how many times, in fact, have i done this in the context of church - allowing the banner of serving Him to mask my sin, however unconsciously done? i am just as guilty as the moneychangers and sellers in the temple; i have allowed sin to inhabit and defile the temple that God intended to build in my heart. i need the kind of righteous anger that Jesus had toward this sin - i need to throw it out of my heart, not just be complacent about it, and allow Jesus to begin building again in my heart. Lord, come make this heart a temple for Your presence.

Oh Lord, my heart longs to be
A habitation fit for thee
A place where peace reigns and love can flourish,
A heart where You can feel at home

Oh Lord, I want to be like You
My tongue to speak the words You do
My hands to stretch forth in healing others
My feet to carry the good news

That You are God, You're the Way
You're the Truth and You're the Life
King of Kings, Lord of Lords
Prince of Peace, Lord Jesus Christ
And by Your shed blood, the great Redeemer
You saved my soul, You paid the price
You saved my soul, now take my life

counting my blessings :)

rather than complaining about what i don't have, i have been really convicted lately to count all the many many blessings God has put in my life

- family who is so supportive of my spiritual walk and every decision i make in life, who always encourage me to do my best
- GCC, a campus church where i can be comforted but challenged
- brothers and sisters in Christ who run alongside me, encourage me to get up when i fall, help me walk when i'm too weary to do go it alone
- family group members really growing deep in their walks and learning faithfulness
- complete openness and vulnerability in M&Ms discipleship group
- GCC band where i see so many faithful hearts wanting to serve God unreservedly, blesses me so much
- His miraculous provision of time when it feels like i've spent too much time serving
- meetups & morning prayers & devotions that come at just the right time to encourage me when my faith is flagging
- His Word that is so unfailing, His promises that are everlasting

"I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving." - Psalm 69:30

identity crisis

i was talking to another sister the other day about how it's difficult not to let our identity be confused with our calling, and it's funny because i don't think that comment had much effect on her but it struck me really hard even as i was saying it.

who i am is not defined by what others say.
who i am is not defined by my role in whatever ministry i'm serving in.
who i am is not even defined by who i think i am.

my identity is in Christ, as a beloved child of God.

breakdown

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility" -Ephesians 2:14

Lord you are the only one who can break down barriers to bring unity and peace. Father it is not possible by our power, but by Yours alone. give me new eyes that see with love. take away the insecurity within me that causes me to be defensive. grow in me the same heart of Christ that was able to accept all of this world's abuse and unfairness, and still be able to love and pray over your people.

pray.pray.pray

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." - Hebrews 12:15

new season, new anointing

i re-opened my blog to write for the first time in over a year and looked through the shamefully short list of entries, but was incredibly blessed to look back on the written record of my spiritual landmarks in the last 2 years - the beautiful and the ugly, the heartache and joy. it's so strange to see what i wrote even just two years ago; i feel like an entirely different person. who can say whether the changes i've gone through have been good or bad, but i know that God will ultimately finish the good work He started in me.

there are so many things i need to sort through from this past month or so, but they're very nicely sectioned off in my head so that's the way i'll write about them..

family group
has easily been the most discouraging, the most difficult, the most draining, and the most heart-wrenching thing i've ever gone through. i definitely wasn't prepared for the hurricane of emotions i felt like i was fighting off all of first semester. i would be so thrilled when a freshman said they would come to bible study, only to be incredibly disappointed when they didn't show; i felt so inadequate to be serving these people that i just wanted to give up; i realized that i am so unable to love people the way God loves them because i lack the patience and the perseverance; in short, serving has shown me that i am nothing without God. and in retrospect, i think that's exactly the place God wanted to bring me to. during OIL, i felt God speaking so powerfully to me through the song "God is Able", reminding me that i had forgotten who i was serving - that i was not serving an incapable God, but the Almighty and eternal God who is capable of doing more than i can even ask or imagine. i had forgotten that God is actively moving in people's lives without me even asking for it, and that His work is unstoppable. i felt the burden of failure lifted off my shoulders as He reminded me that my work cannot bring others to salvation, that it was never my responsibility but His, and that the lack of "results" i had seen from my family group was not a failure on my part as a servant but rather simply His timing and His plans. and i felt like i had been set free. as soon as i laid all this down before Christ, i felt overwhelming joy and contentment and peace, and was saddened to realize that i had been missing this for the better part of my last two semesters. but this newfound hope and trust in His power only has truly changed the way i view family group and serving. i've been trying to pray faithfully and intercede for my family group as best i can, but there is no longer this anxious feeling within me asking myself where i have failed as a servant or what else i need to do better; there is only full trust that God is completing the work in their lives and refining them step by step, just as He is doing in my life. all my frustration seems to have just dissipated, and i've been finding myself more filled instead with thanksgiving to God for what He has done - and all the ways i've witnessed Him working. and He has been working so visibly, through me and around me; and i realize that if He had used me before i realized how broken i was without Him, i would have been so prideful, but now i can so clearly see that it is only by His power that i am able to do anything at all. i've seen so much fruit and answered prayer in the last weeks that i'm just amazed by Him.

worship
this past retreat was my first GCC retreat singing with the band and i think going into it i had a rather resigned attitude about it - that i would try my best to serve others through worship ministry, but that i would not feel free enough to be blessed myself. i've always felt restricted worshiping in front of others because it's so vulnerable, but this retreat something changed. i'm not sure if it was because i was already experiencing a personal revival before i went to retreat, or if it's because God wanted to change the way i saw worship ministry, but i felt a fierce joy in worshiping with the church and nearly no inhibition. i think it was the first time i felt privileged to stand there, the first time i didn't wish i was worshiping somewhere in the back corner by myself. a big part of that was a whisper i felt from God telling me to feel how much He loved His people, and as i listened to my brothers and sisters so passionately worshiping the Lord, i felt like He was telling me how beautiful that sound was to Him.

prayer
something i had been praying for during OIL and the weeks before retreat was for God to fill me with His Spirit, as i realized that i couldn't do anything without it. during retreat, i suddenly had the urge to ask God for a second anointing (the first and only vision i've ever experienced was related to this image) and i asked for an anointing of His Spirit. i'm not sure for what purpose God was putting this prayer request on my heart, but as Pastor Joe prayed for me, he began to pray for me for this exact thing. he prayed for a second anointing by the Spirit, for the heart to be an intercessor, for me to see the answers to my prayer, for empowered prayer, and for a new season in my walk.

i'm really thankful for the way God has brought me into a new season of my spiritual journey. i feel like i've crossed over some kind of bridge and i'm excited to see how He will speak to me and move in my heart. i see so many areas of myself that need to be redeemed and transformed, but as He leads me, He is changing me and growing me. all i need to do is follow..

"You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5a