:: preparing the way in my heart ::
prior to AMI, i had been wrestling with God in trusting Him and His way. i spent a month at home recuperating from the difficulties of the past year, and during the last few weeks at home i thought and prayed a lot about whether i should serve as a family group leader this year. i usually am not overly obsessed with grades and usually just consider my best effort as being glorifying to God, but i started getting overwhelmed with the need to study more during this year and focus more on classwork so i can raise my GPA enough to go to med school. my mind latched onto the thought that serving gcc had made my past year so difficult because of all the things i couldn't do. in all honesty i know that because i served gcc so much this year, my schoolwork was not as good as it could have been if i had unlimited time. but i kept hearing God asking me if i was going to sacrifice faithfulness in a more immediate place for the sake of some grander plan that i might envision for my future - if i was going to be faithful only in the things that i wanted and not to what He had called me to. i also felt like God was asking me what i would do if He asked me to lay down going to med school, and i really had to struggle before i could tell God that i could lay down my 10 year-long dream if He called me to; i still believe that God has given me a heart and interest for medicine for a reason and i intend to pursue it to the end with all my ability, but i have so much more peace in knowing that i have already surrendered it to God. and so my time at home became very much a time of laying down before the Lord things in my life that could become idols. even my desire to have a fun and carefree senior year was laid down before Him as i asked Him to give me joy in the things that His heart beats for, not my earthly desires. i think this month of rest and wrestling was God's plan to get me in a place where i could clearly receive the blessings and visions He gave me during AMI.
:: AMI revolution ::
this was my third AMI revolution and just like all the others, it was such a huge blessing, but i just praise God when i think of how differently He meets me each time i go to AMI and how much He has changed me through each year. perhaps it was because i had been doing a lot of introspective prayer and experiencing a lot of personal breakthrough before the conference, but regardless, God really set His church on my heart during AMI. during worship i was being truly blessed, but especially as i helped out the RWC band during worship, God wanted to show me what He was doing in the congregation. as i saw hands reaching out to God in worship and heard voices crying out to Him, God reminded me that these are the people whom He loves, and that He is well pleased with them no matter their brokenness. i felt like God was telling me to pour out myself for them, to sing not just for my own communion with the Lord, but to tell to the body of Christ what God wanted to speak to them - to break every chain, to live for Him with everything, to accept His amazing grace. as i was praying and worshiping, the verse in Isaiah came to mind:
" A voice of one calling: 'In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.'" - Isaiah 40:3
in my mind, i saw the image of a desert but God was telling me to prepare the way for Him. He showed me that the hearts in this congregation were dry and thirsty for His presence, and that He was going to come and bring restoration and healing through streams of living water. He showed me that His purpose was to restore these hearts to the condition He designed them to be in, overflowing with His Spirit, and that He wanted me to be a part of it. and as we sang, there was such power, i felt like the room was trembling with power just waiting to be released. AMI sermons had been about how ministry without the power of God is fruitless and boring and how we need to grab hold of His power - through this worship time and through these sermons God kept reminding me that He has every power in heaven and on earth to give me, that if i only seek it, it will be mine.
in my own personal convictions, one thing that especially stuck out to me was the prayer that P.Kirt prayed over me, that God is ready to take me to the next level and that i shouldn't fear what is to come because it is not my own abilities but His that will be accomplishing His kingdom work. i hope that this summer and in the next school year, God will take me to the next level not just in my own spiritual life, but also in the power of my prayers for other people and the power of my worship. also, in that prayer God was telling me just how delighted He is when we meet together to just spend quiet time together, and that these times are my source of strength; i sensed that there will be struggle in the near future, but God was encouraging me not to give up doing good deeds in His kingdom, to persevere. something else that i received during that prayer was the encouragement to be less sensitive, which caught my attention because i've realized this year in particular that i am easily discouraged and hurt by others' words that are not usually intended to be hurtful. also, P.Kirt prayed that although i was young, i would learn to mother others instead of being mothered; as he prayed this, i sensed that God was calling me not just to expressing emotional love to younger sisters and cooking for them etc. but the deepest kind of mothering - the quiet sacrificial love that can only come from the heart of parent.
there is so much to mull over from everything i've received from AMI that (amidst my busyness) it took me a full month to finally pen this all down. this AMI revolution was just as powerful as the other conferences and retreats i've attended, but it's the only conference where i've felt more empowered following the conference. the Lord was faithful to answer my prayers, asking for a passion i had never experienced and for visions for His kingdom. i feel so empowered by this new fire in my heart, not just a temporary "high" that washes off in a few days but a flame that has been growing stronger this past month and will, by His grace, continue consuming even more of my heart and mind in the year to come. Lord let your fire come!
