already hungry and feeling weak, but i can feel something coming to life..
Monday
righteous anger, fury. the house of God turned into a place where people are buying and selling, corruption in a holy place - the house of prayer made into a den of robbers. how much sadness Jesus must have felt to see that His people were effectively choosing money over the presence of God, choosing to succumb to greed and materialism within the house of the Lord. and then i look at my own heart - how many times have i chosen this world and its tempting offers over the only One who can satisfy? how many times, in fact, have i done this in the context of church - allowing the banner of serving Him to mask my sin, however unconsciously done? i am just as guilty as the moneychangers and sellers in the temple; i have allowed sin to inhabit and defile the temple that God intended to build in my heart. i need the kind of righteous anger that Jesus had toward this sin - i need to throw it out of my heart, not just be complacent about it, and allow Jesus to begin building again in my heart. Lord, come make this heart a temple for Your presence.
Oh Lord, my heart longs to be
A habitation fit for thee
A place where peace reigns and love can flourish,
A heart where You can feel at home
Oh Lord, I want to be like You
My tongue to speak the words You do
My hands to stretch forth in healing others
My feet to carry the good news
That You are God, You're the Way
You're the Truth and You're the Life
King of Kings, Lord of Lords
Prince of Peace, Lord Jesus Christ
And by Your shed blood, the great Redeemer
You saved my soul, You paid the price
You saved my soul, now take my life
Monday, April 2, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
counting my blessings :)
rather than complaining about what i don't have, i have been really convicted lately to count all the many many blessings God has put in my life
- family who is so supportive of my spiritual walk and every decision i make in life, who always encourage me to do my best
- GCC, a campus church where i can be comforted but challenged
- brothers and sisters in Christ who run alongside me, encourage me to get up when i fall, help me walk when i'm too weary to do go it alone
- family group members really growing deep in their walks and learning faithfulness
- complete openness and vulnerability in M&Ms discipleship group
- GCC band where i see so many faithful hearts wanting to serve God unreservedly, blesses me so much
- His miraculous provision of time when it feels like i've spent too much time serving
- meetups & morning prayers & devotions that come at just the right time to encourage me when my faith is flagging
- His Word that is so unfailing, His promises that are everlasting
"I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving." - Psalm 69:30
- family who is so supportive of my spiritual walk and every decision i make in life, who always encourage me to do my best
- GCC, a campus church where i can be comforted but challenged
- brothers and sisters in Christ who run alongside me, encourage me to get up when i fall, help me walk when i'm too weary to do go it alone
- family group members really growing deep in their walks and learning faithfulness
- complete openness and vulnerability in M&Ms discipleship group
- GCC band where i see so many faithful hearts wanting to serve God unreservedly, blesses me so much
- His miraculous provision of time when it feels like i've spent too much time serving
- meetups & morning prayers & devotions that come at just the right time to encourage me when my faith is flagging
- His Word that is so unfailing, His promises that are everlasting
"I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving." - Psalm 69:30
Thursday, March 15, 2012
identity crisis
i was talking to another sister the other day about how it's difficult not to let our identity be confused with our calling, and it's funny because i don't think that comment had much effect on her but it struck me really hard even as i was saying it.
who i am is not defined by what others say.
who i am is not defined by my role in whatever ministry i'm serving in.
who i am is not even defined by who i think i am.
my identity is in Christ, as a beloved child of God.
who i am is not defined by what others say.
who i am is not defined by my role in whatever ministry i'm serving in.
who i am is not even defined by who i think i am.
my identity is in Christ, as a beloved child of God.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
breakdown
"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility" -Ephesians 2:14
Lord you are the only one who can break down barriers to bring unity and peace. Father it is not possible by our power, but by Yours alone. give me new eyes that see with love. take away the insecurity within me that causes me to be defensive. grow in me the same heart of Christ that was able to accept all of this world's abuse and unfairness, and still be able to love and pray over your people.
Lord you are the only one who can break down barriers to bring unity and peace. Father it is not possible by our power, but by Yours alone. give me new eyes that see with love. take away the insecurity within me that causes me to be defensive. grow in me the same heart of Christ that was able to accept all of this world's abuse and unfairness, and still be able to love and pray over your people.
Monday, February 20, 2012
pray.pray.pray
"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." - Hebrews 12:15
Sunday, February 12, 2012
new season, new anointing
i re-opened my blog to write for the first time in over a year and looked through the shamefully short list of entries, but was incredibly blessed to look back on the written record of my spiritual landmarks in the last 2 years - the beautiful and the ugly, the heartache and joy. it's so strange to see what i wrote even just two years ago; i feel like an entirely different person. who can say whether the changes i've gone through have been good or bad, but i know that God will ultimately finish the good work He started in me.
there are so many things i need to sort through from this past month or so, but they're very nicely sectioned off in my head so that's the way i'll write about them..
family group
has easily been the most discouraging, the most difficult, the most draining, and the most heart-wrenching thing i've ever gone through. i definitely wasn't prepared for the hurricane of emotions i felt like i was fighting off all of first semester. i would be so thrilled when a freshman said they would come to bible study, only to be incredibly disappointed when they didn't show; i felt so inadequate to be serving these people that i just wanted to give up; i realized that i am so unable to love people the way God loves them because i lack the patience and the perseverance; in short, serving has shown me that i am nothing without God. and in retrospect, i think that's exactly the place God wanted to bring me to. during OIL, i felt God speaking so powerfully to me through the song "God is Able", reminding me that i had forgotten who i was serving - that i was not serving an incapable God, but the Almighty and eternal God who is capable of doing more than i can even ask or imagine. i had forgotten that God is actively moving in people's lives without me even asking for it, and that His work is unstoppable. i felt the burden of failure lifted off my shoulders as He reminded me that my work cannot bring others to salvation, that it was never my responsibility but His, and that the lack of "results" i had seen from my family group was not a failure on my part as a servant but rather simply His timing and His plans. and i felt like i had been set free. as soon as i laid all this down before Christ, i felt overwhelming joy and contentment and peace, and was saddened to realize that i had been missing this for the better part of my last two semesters. but this newfound hope and trust in His power only has truly changed the way i view family group and serving. i've been trying to pray faithfully and intercede for my family group as best i can, but there is no longer this anxious feeling within me asking myself where i have failed as a servant or what else i need to do better; there is only full trust that God is completing the work in their lives and refining them step by step, just as He is doing in my life. all my frustration seems to have just dissipated, and i've been finding myself more filled instead with thanksgiving to God for what He has done - and all the ways i've witnessed Him working. and He has been working so visibly, through me and around me; and i realize that if He had used me before i realized how broken i was without Him, i would have been so prideful, but now i can so clearly see that it is only by His power that i am able to do anything at all. i've seen so much fruit and answered prayer in the last weeks that i'm just amazed by Him.
worship
this past retreat was my first GCC retreat singing with the band and i think going into it i had a rather resigned attitude about it - that i would try my best to serve others through worship ministry, but that i would not feel free enough to be blessed myself. i've always felt restricted worshiping in front of others because it's so vulnerable, but this retreat something changed. i'm not sure if it was because i was already experiencing a personal revival before i went to retreat, or if it's because God wanted to change the way i saw worship ministry, but i felt a fierce joy in worshiping with the church and nearly no inhibition. i think it was the first time i felt privileged to stand there, the first time i didn't wish i was worshiping somewhere in the back corner by myself. a big part of that was a whisper i felt from God telling me to feel how much He loved His people, and as i listened to my brothers and sisters so passionately worshiping the Lord, i felt like He was telling me how beautiful that sound was to Him.
prayer
something i had been praying for during OIL and the weeks before retreat was for God to fill me with His Spirit, as i realized that i couldn't do anything without it. during retreat, i suddenly had the urge to ask God for a second anointing (the first and only vision i've ever experienced was related to this image) and i asked for an anointing of His Spirit. i'm not sure for what purpose God was putting this prayer request on my heart, but as Pastor Joe prayed for me, he began to pray for me for this exact thing. he prayed for a second anointing by the Spirit, for the heart to be an intercessor, for me to see the answers to my prayer, for empowered prayer, and for a new season in my walk.
i'm really thankful for the way God has brought me into a new season of my spiritual journey. i feel like i've crossed over some kind of bridge and i'm excited to see how He will speak to me and move in my heart. i see so many areas of myself that need to be redeemed and transformed, but as He leads me, He is changing me and growing me. all i need to do is follow..
"You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5a
there are so many things i need to sort through from this past month or so, but they're very nicely sectioned off in my head so that's the way i'll write about them..
family group
has easily been the most discouraging, the most difficult, the most draining, and the most heart-wrenching thing i've ever gone through. i definitely wasn't prepared for the hurricane of emotions i felt like i was fighting off all of first semester. i would be so thrilled when a freshman said they would come to bible study, only to be incredibly disappointed when they didn't show; i felt so inadequate to be serving these people that i just wanted to give up; i realized that i am so unable to love people the way God loves them because i lack the patience and the perseverance; in short, serving has shown me that i am nothing without God. and in retrospect, i think that's exactly the place God wanted to bring me to. during OIL, i felt God speaking so powerfully to me through the song "God is Able", reminding me that i had forgotten who i was serving - that i was not serving an incapable God, but the Almighty and eternal God who is capable of doing more than i can even ask or imagine. i had forgotten that God is actively moving in people's lives without me even asking for it, and that His work is unstoppable. i felt the burden of failure lifted off my shoulders as He reminded me that my work cannot bring others to salvation, that it was never my responsibility but His, and that the lack of "results" i had seen from my family group was not a failure on my part as a servant but rather simply His timing and His plans. and i felt like i had been set free. as soon as i laid all this down before Christ, i felt overwhelming joy and contentment and peace, and was saddened to realize that i had been missing this for the better part of my last two semesters. but this newfound hope and trust in His power only has truly changed the way i view family group and serving. i've been trying to pray faithfully and intercede for my family group as best i can, but there is no longer this anxious feeling within me asking myself where i have failed as a servant or what else i need to do better; there is only full trust that God is completing the work in their lives and refining them step by step, just as He is doing in my life. all my frustration seems to have just dissipated, and i've been finding myself more filled instead with thanksgiving to God for what He has done - and all the ways i've witnessed Him working. and He has been working so visibly, through me and around me; and i realize that if He had used me before i realized how broken i was without Him, i would have been so prideful, but now i can so clearly see that it is only by His power that i am able to do anything at all. i've seen so much fruit and answered prayer in the last weeks that i'm just amazed by Him.
worship
this past retreat was my first GCC retreat singing with the band and i think going into it i had a rather resigned attitude about it - that i would try my best to serve others through worship ministry, but that i would not feel free enough to be blessed myself. i've always felt restricted worshiping in front of others because it's so vulnerable, but this retreat something changed. i'm not sure if it was because i was already experiencing a personal revival before i went to retreat, or if it's because God wanted to change the way i saw worship ministry, but i felt a fierce joy in worshiping with the church and nearly no inhibition. i think it was the first time i felt privileged to stand there, the first time i didn't wish i was worshiping somewhere in the back corner by myself. a big part of that was a whisper i felt from God telling me to feel how much He loved His people, and as i listened to my brothers and sisters so passionately worshiping the Lord, i felt like He was telling me how beautiful that sound was to Him.
prayer
something i had been praying for during OIL and the weeks before retreat was for God to fill me with His Spirit, as i realized that i couldn't do anything without it. during retreat, i suddenly had the urge to ask God for a second anointing (the first and only vision i've ever experienced was related to this image) and i asked for an anointing of His Spirit. i'm not sure for what purpose God was putting this prayer request on my heart, but as Pastor Joe prayed for me, he began to pray for me for this exact thing. he prayed for a second anointing by the Spirit, for the heart to be an intercessor, for me to see the answers to my prayer, for empowered prayer, and for a new season in my walk.
i'm really thankful for the way God has brought me into a new season of my spiritual journey. i feel like i've crossed over some kind of bridge and i'm excited to see how He will speak to me and move in my heart. i see so many areas of myself that need to be redeemed and transformed, but as He leads me, He is changing me and growing me. all i need to do is follow..
"You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5a
Thursday, February 10, 2011
GCC retreat 2011
i went to retreat feeling like i was hitting a brick wall in my spiritual walk with God - just banging my head over and over, but not even making a dent. i wanted "more" from God; i wasn't really sure what it was, but i knew that there was more He had to offer me and i wanted it. i was actually really sick the week leading up to retreat (and completely miserable on the ride there) so my heart wasn't ready at all. i'm really thankful that i got to go early with the band and get my heart set up for the next few days, in addition to setting up equipment.
this was my first retreat being on GCC band and it was both harder and more blessing - harder because i couldn't freely pray with others and sing with the congregation, and more blessing because i found i could worship freely in my heart. while i prayed on my own, God showed me how to cry out to Him in both spirit and voice. i wanted God to show me more of Himself, to reveal Himself to me, but while i prayed that's not the answer i got; i felt God's presence so strongly, but what He was saying instead was to wait - that He wanted me to see my own desperate heart for Him, and that he would pour out but in His own timing. i felt peace just settle into my heart as i realized that God is the one who put this spiritual hunger in me, and that God is one who will fulfill it - He will satisfy, in His own timing.
one thing i will remember vividly for a long time is what pastor joe prayed over me. he asked me, "do you know what boba is? God is telling you that you are trying to drink this bubble tea with a coffee stirrer." at the time, this really spoke to me because it reminded me that God is a God who sees me and my frustration. but now, i feel like God is telling me that i need to build the tools and discipline first in order to receive and experience the "more" that He has for me. i left retreat not with a neatly tied "this is my takeaway from the last 3 days" but rather, a deep hunger after having received a taste - and knowing that there is so much more.
i met up with an older sister a few days after retreat and after we shared about retreat, she said the only thing going through her mind as she looked at me was "breakthrough.. breakthrough.. breakthrough is coming." it was a huge blessing to have confirmed the same feeling i got; i feel like there is a huge release coming soon, when whatever is holding me back inside is finally released and the floodgates opened. she suggested to me that (since i have no classes on fridays) i reserve friday as my sabbath day, a day solely dedicated to God. and i really resonated with this suggestion; i have so many things i want to do, like journal and go on prayer walks and just play praise songs on the guitar, and i feel like having this day set apart for God will help me just soak in His presence without worrying about anything else. it'll take a lot more time management to be able to take away a whole day from studying and working, but i think it'll be so worth it to be able to spend that precious time with God - without anything else filling my mind for that day.
this was my first retreat being on GCC band and it was both harder and more blessing - harder because i couldn't freely pray with others and sing with the congregation, and more blessing because i found i could worship freely in my heart. while i prayed on my own, God showed me how to cry out to Him in both spirit and voice. i wanted God to show me more of Himself, to reveal Himself to me, but while i prayed that's not the answer i got; i felt God's presence so strongly, but what He was saying instead was to wait - that He wanted me to see my own desperate heart for Him, and that he would pour out but in His own timing. i felt peace just settle into my heart as i realized that God is the one who put this spiritual hunger in me, and that God is one who will fulfill it - He will satisfy, in His own timing.
one thing i will remember vividly for a long time is what pastor joe prayed over me. he asked me, "do you know what boba is? God is telling you that you are trying to drink this bubble tea with a coffee stirrer." at the time, this really spoke to me because it reminded me that God is a God who sees me and my frustration. but now, i feel like God is telling me that i need to build the tools and discipline first in order to receive and experience the "more" that He has for me. i left retreat not with a neatly tied "this is my takeaway from the last 3 days" but rather, a deep hunger after having received a taste - and knowing that there is so much more.
i met up with an older sister a few days after retreat and after we shared about retreat, she said the only thing going through her mind as she looked at me was "breakthrough.. breakthrough.. breakthrough is coming." it was a huge blessing to have confirmed the same feeling i got; i feel like there is a huge release coming soon, when whatever is holding me back inside is finally released and the floodgates opened. she suggested to me that (since i have no classes on fridays) i reserve friday as my sabbath day, a day solely dedicated to God. and i really resonated with this suggestion; i have so many things i want to do, like journal and go on prayer walks and just play praise songs on the guitar, and i feel like having this day set apart for God will help me just soak in His presence without worrying about anything else. it'll take a lot more time management to be able to take away a whole day from studying and working, but i think it'll be so worth it to be able to spend that precious time with God - without anything else filling my mind for that day.
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