being refined

lately i've been having a hard time because i've been involved in a lot of conflicts. it's been somewhat discouraging because it's made me see so clearly how much i'm lacking in patience and love, plus it's been a strain emotionally and mentally; tension is something i don't deal with well and mostly just avoid like the plague. but i've realized slowly that this is really an answer to my prayer that God would show me where i need to grow more, that He would show me my sin so that i can grow from it. and i really believe i've been growing, not only in how to lay down my pride and seek to understand the other person, but also in realizing just how far i fall short of God's perfection. it's truly amazing to think about how God can love someone as flawed as me, when i can't even love other people as imperfect as i am. also, i think God's been giving me opportunities to deepen relationships with people around me - older brothers and sisters who listen and give me wisdom that i need to hear, friends who sympathize, and my roommate who stays up late into the night to talk and pray with me. but most of all, when i'm able to talk to that person i've fought with and we come to a place of understanding, it's like a new depth has been discovered - we're able to love and forgive because Christ is the base of that relationship, because God's love is flowing through and between us. i see God's hand working to shape my character, to show me the depth of my depravity and how sufficient His grace is in the midst of that. i am a work in progress, being refined to become a worker for His kingdom :)

daddy's little girl

i love my mom like crazy but ever since i was little, i've always been a daddy's girl. i have two sisters and no brothers, so my dad doesn't have any sons, but i was a little tomboy when i was younger. for example, when we went camping, my older sister would help my mom cook and set up the beds, while me and my dad would set up the tent and get wood to start the fire. i also took up the mantle of my dad's obsession with Star Wars, going to see all the movies with him in the theaters and watching all the rest so often that i could (and still can) quote multiple scenes by memory. i played (or tried to play) all the sports my dad liked too, namely soccer and tennis. since i utterly failed at soccer, i settled for tennis and played as long as i can remember, as well as for four years in high school; i still love to play with my dad when i go home for breaks. i even imitated my dad in the foods i chose to eat when i was little. since i couldn't eat kimchi when i was small, i settled for eating pickles so that i could make the same kind of crunching noise my dad made when he ate kimchi at dinner ^^

having this kind of relationship with my dad should have been easier for me to accept God as my heavenly Father, and to enjoy the same kind of warm and loving relationship. but for reasons that are still unknown to me, i really struggle with viewing God as my Father. i know others struggle with this because their earthly fathers are distant figures of authority who simply demand results from their children, but my dad is not like that. he always told me to do my best, but never instilled in me a performance mentality; rather, i did the things i did when i was younger to please him because i love my dad. in the same way, God calls us to serve not because He orders us to; rather, He wants it to be an offering of ourselves that results from a love relationship with our Maker. i tend to view God as my Master, and trying to live my life as a servant rather than a child of God. i constantly find that i'm frustrated with myself because i know what God wants from me is just an outpouring of His love returned to Him and i'm not sure why i can't view serving in that light - why it sometimes feels like a burden rather than a joy, why i get frustrated with others who i'm supposed to be humbly serving, why my heart is sometimes simply not in the right place. i get stuck in performance mentality - doing things for God without allowing the relationship to drive those things.

enter Experiencing God! it's only been a week but already, i love love LOVE this bible study guide and i'm so glad that me and my accountability partner decided to go through it this year. last night, i was feeling really run-down from being sick and trying to plan the saturday hangout, but after going through the bible study i felt RENEWED and completely invigorated. the study was about serving and said that a servant is not someone who asks God "what do you want me to do?" but rather someone God works with and through. it reminded me that is not our own efforts that that accomplish anything; everything we do without God is worthless. it is God's work that we are partnering with, God's work that is establishing His kingdom here on earth. another point i really liked was that "to be a servant of God, you must be moldable and remain in the hand of your Master". i felt like this was really basic, but again, something i forget all the time! although God does send me off to do His work, i can't forget that i'm never taken out of His hand; He is always carrying me so i should never feel the burden of "having" to do His work. God's work is a delight, and even when it can get hard, God himself is so much bigger and He takes all the weight off my shoulders. all i have to do is enjoy serving Him and bless His people, showing them the great POWER of the God we are serving :) essentially, i can just take on the role of a child, having eyes only for my Father - watching and imitating the things he does, but also resting in His arms and allowing Him to carry me. i'm not required to follow my Father's example, but because i'm driven to be like Him and please Him, i will naturally end up serving like He did. i want to have the mark of my Father on me, for everyone to be able to see that i am my daddy's little girl.

This is my memory verse for this week, courtesy of EG: "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5

exploding with excitement

it's been such a long time since my blog post and this short little blurb is a completely inadequate update, but my heart right now is just too excited to post anything reflective or meaningful in any way. i am completely bursting with anticipation! i have so many things to look forward to for this year..

1. GCC intro night tomorrow night & frosh/soph hangout on saturday
2. new family groups starting this week!
3. FRESHMENNNNN!!! enough said ^^
4. starting Experiencing God with sunny kang (there's your shout out haha)
5. all the awesome things God has waiting in store for me this year, molding and shaping of my heart and character
6. joining band!
7. watching God work in our class to grow us in wisdom and love
8. my super awesome living arrangement with my lovely roommate christine shen =]
9. classes that are actually interesting to me with profs that seem really chill and cool
10. EVERYTHING ELSE that i don't know about yet but can feel waiting for me around the corner =]

even though people keep telling me that i will probably have a sophomore slump, right now i'm just so so excited for this year!

faith is a verb

Leaping into uncertainty
Standing on the Rock of Christ
Tasting the sweetness of true freedom
Clinging to my Lifeline in the midst of the hurricane
Founding my identity on eternal truth
Stumbling in the darkness
Allowing the hand of my Guide to lead me home
Realizing that my life is not about me
Drinking from the Fountain of immeasurable joy
Witnessing the transforming power of the gospel
Taking up my cross to follow Him
Seeking and seeking, and finally finding
Being loved and loving in return
Living life to the fullest measure

a day of firsts

today me and four other girls went on an awesome beach trip to ocean city, NJ. we left around 7 in the morning and drove for about an hour and a half before we got there, but because we missed GCC service, we decided to go to a Catholic mass. it was very interesting for me because i've never really experienced any other church besides my home church and GCC (okay so i visited a white christian church ONCE but that's really it..). it was different, to say the least.

after we sat down in pews, the priest began reciting certain creeds and pausing to hear the response from the congregation. this didn't seem too different from our recitation of the apostles' creed, but in a different and more elongated format. but one conspicuous difference was that this seemed to take the place of worship; there was no other form of "opening worship". after several rounds of this we sat down and the priest began to talk. he read the Lord's Prayer and then read a short story relating to it, following it up with a comparison of his own. and then, to my complete shock, it was over. the sermon had only lasted about 15 minutes at the maximum (and honestly, that was probably due more to the priest's slow manner of speech than the actual length of what he read). i was completely taken aback because i hadn't heard a message that short since i was in the church's pre-school program! after that, there were more recitations of creeds that i couldn't quite catch, and then hymns were sung during the collection of offering. the hymns were beautiful, accompanied only by voice and (i think) organ. then, the whole congregation got up row by row to take Communion. i took the wafer and brought it back to my seat, not really caring that the lady had told me to eat it right away; i wanted to reflect and prepare my heart before i took Communion, and the four of us who were Asian stuck out like sore thumbs in this all-white church anyway so i didn't care much if i was breaking "tradition".

that's the crux of what i concluded from that mass. for me personally, it was hard to find Jesus amidst the man-made traditions and rituals. it seemed like it would be very easy to slip into the routine of coming to church for the service every Sunday, never once stopping to think about the significance of those actions, and completely missing an encounter with the living God. part of it is probably that it was different for me and that i have been used to being given time to pray and meet with God personally (my friend told me later that often Catholics come early to the service and pray on their own before mass) so it was more difficult for me. but it really made me think: even within our own church community, how often do we go through the motions of going to church and church activities - but completely miss Jesus? this morning, i felt like my spiritual senses got a little keener and i was praying for the spirit of discernment between my opinion and the truth. but regardless, it was a blessing because i really approached that service seeking to find God, determined to meet with Him on His holy day.

on a completely different note..

i went to a new jersey beach for the first time today and it was so much fun! it was so blessing to fellowship with the girls, especially since sunny and i did a devotion and prayed together early in the morning after we woke up. it was a time of fun and sun and it was just what i needed to rejunevate myself in preparation for this week :)

setting my priorities straight

this is what we have older sisters in christ for.. i'm so thankful :)

extravagant waste

My computer died on Friday :(

I was walking home from work and it suddenly began pouring like I've never seen before. I was literally trudging home soaking wet, my jeans sticking to my legs, ankle-deep in floodwater everywhere. I checked to make sure my backpack was keeping all the things in my backpack dry as I took cover briefly at the Penn bookstore (it was) but somehow by the time I got home (less than 10 min later) water had seeped into my backpack past my laptop protective case and into the laptop itself. I hoped I could save it, but after I got a $100 diagnosis by an Apple care provider, they told me the damage would cost $900 to fix. So I'm getting a new laptop and I'm beating myself up for my stupidity. If only I had thought to wrap my laptop up in a plastic bag or put it inside my jacket, I wouldn't need to pay another $1000 (basically everything I've earned so far this summer at work..) to buy another laptop barely a year after my first (which was supposed to last me four years >.>). Sighhh.. It's just such a waste of money to pay for my idiocy and I really really hate being wasteful.

But it reminded me of a sermon I heard about the parable of the prodigal son. It was the first time I had ever heard the true definition of "prodigal". I had always assumed (from the context of the parable) that it meant "returning after going astray". But what it really means is "wasteful, extravagant". The pastor then went on to explain that in the parable, it is not only the son who is "prodigal", but that the Father represents a Prodigal God as well (he took points from Tim Keller's book, The Prodigal God). God's love is extravagant for us, but so wasteful if you think about it. Why would God love us so much when we can't give Him back anything of worth? In a profits-and-returns point of view, that's a waste of an investment. But fortunately for us, God doesn't think of what He can receive in return, but rather pours out His love on us extravagantly. He didn't hold back anything from us but offered Himself to us through Jesus, inviting us to have intimate fellowship with Him, calling us to run into His arms and spend eternity with Him. For Him, this is the most extravagant waste conceivable; for us, it is the most precious gift.