GCC retreat 2011

i went to retreat feeling like i was hitting a brick wall in my spiritual walk with God - just banging my head over and over, but not even making a dent. i wanted "more" from God; i wasn't really sure what it was, but i knew that there was more He had to offer me and i wanted it. i was actually really sick the week leading up to retreat (and completely miserable on the ride there) so my heart wasn't ready at all. i'm really thankful that i got to go early with the band and get my heart set up for the next few days, in addition to setting up equipment.

this was my first retreat being on GCC band and it was both harder and more blessing - harder because i couldn't freely pray with others and sing with the congregation, and more blessing because i found i could worship freely in my heart. while i prayed on my own, God showed me how to cry out to Him in both spirit and voice. i wanted God to show me more of Himself, to reveal Himself to me, but while i prayed that's not the answer i got; i felt God's presence so strongly, but what He was saying instead was to wait - that He wanted me to see my own desperate heart for Him, and that he would pour out but in His own timing. i felt peace just settle into my heart as i realized that God is the one who put this spiritual hunger in me, and that God is one who will fulfill it - He will satisfy, in His own timing.

one thing i will remember vividly for a long time is what pastor joe prayed over me. he asked me, "do you know what boba is? God is telling you that you are trying to drink this bubble tea with a coffee stirrer." at the time, this really spoke to me because it reminded me that God is a God who sees me and my frustration. but now, i feel like God is telling me that i need to build the tools and discipline first in order to receive and experience the "more" that He has for me. i left retreat not with a neatly tied "this is my takeaway from the last 3 days" but rather, a deep hunger after having received a taste - and knowing that there is so much more.

i met up with an older sister a few days after retreat and after we shared about retreat, she said the only thing going through her mind as she looked at me was "breakthrough.. breakthrough.. breakthrough is coming." it was a huge blessing to have confirmed the same feeling i got; i feel like there is a huge release coming soon, when whatever is holding me back inside is finally released and the floodgates opened. she suggested to me that (since i have no classes on fridays) i reserve friday as my sabbath day, a day solely dedicated to God. and i really resonated with this suggestion; i have so many things i want to do, like journal and go on prayer walks and just play praise songs on the guitar, and i feel like having this day set apart for God will help me just soak in His presence without worrying about anything else. it'll take a lot more time management to be able to take away a whole day from studying and working, but i think it'll be so worth it to be able to spend that precious time with God - without anything else filling my mind for that day.

escape

i've been coming to realize that, as much as i like to confront my problems head-on, i also definitely have escapist tendencies when a solution is not readily available. if i can't confront someone for various reasons, i will avoid them for as long as i have to to escape tension. if i can't do anything about the horrible feeling i have when i think i failed an exam, i will watch movies and kdramas and read books - anything to escape reality. when i get sick of being in philly, all i think about is going home to escape. when i can't do anything about feeling isolated and lonely, i sleep to escape my life. when i feel spiritually dry, i avoid doing QTs to escape that terrible feeling of being so far away from God.

but escape is not a solution. at best, it gives me a slight reprieve from everything, but it doesn't solve anything.

papercuts are annoying -__________-

i just got really irritated at the stupid papercut i have on my finger. it's in that annoying spot inside the joint so that every time i move my pinky, it twinges a bit. i don't even know how i got it! even though it kind-of-really does hurt, there's no way my pride will let me put on a band-aid for something so small.

it reminded me that sometimes it's the smallest flaws that can be the most annoying; it's the sins that seem smallest that i'm never willing to treat, and it's these sins that i can never seem to rid myself of..

seasons

after family group last night i suddenly felt really excited again about growing more deeply spiritually and about serving in GCC and even about my future and just everything about life in general. i had been really excited at the beginning of the semester but that feeling quickly faded after things became harder emotionally and academically and spiritually. last night it felt like i had surfaced and was breathing for the first time in a long time, like i came back from the deadness i've been feeling.

praise God for giving me seasons of desperation and tears and searching, so that when i find fulfillment in Him again i am filled to the brim with joy and anticipation at what He'll do in my life.

short list of blessings part 2:
- 2013 brothers prayer! as i write, they're meeting in meyerson for prayer. i've been so incredibly blessed to see how much they've grown in their individual spiritual walks and together as brothers. best brothers ever :)
- 2013 sisters are so encouraging! it's been so awesome to get to know more sisters, to grow deeper with the sisters i already knew, and to experience really speaking truth into each other's lives
- LCC winter retreat coming up! i'm so thankful for opportunities to serve LCCYG, it's a blessing to see them grow and struggle and really fight to live for God.
- GCC band has been amazing. i'm constantly learning humility and my own shortcomings - but God's complete sufficiency!
- this strange sense of peace i have although i probably won't end up passing my classes lol
- TWITTER <3 enough said ^^

i want to marry brooke fraser

i bought my ticket to the brooke fraser concert in the summer, when i first heard about it because i am a huge fan hers - not only in hillsong but also her independent music. but when i went sunday night i was afraid that she might disappoint (having already been severely disappointed by harry potter 7 -____-).

wow. i was so wrong.

i was completely blown away by how insanely cute she was, just in her mannerisms and quirky humor, and her ability to just be herself on stage. oh, and i was completely mesmermized by her voice which was about 10 times better live than the recordings!

when i met her up close and got my personal autograph, it was just the icing on the cake :)

fullness of who You are

i don't let my God be big enough, i shove Him in a box where i can call on Him when i need Him and have Him appear. God i want the real and living and powerful God, not this God-in-the-box i've made. God i want a burden for Your people and a vision for Your kingdom, i want You to fill all the lonely corners of my heart that i keep trying to fill with other things, i want You to be worth giving my life for, i want You to transform the ugliness inside heart into something beautiful. don't let me settle for a God that i've diminished, Lord show me the fullness of who You are.

there is still more

challenge of the week: if you're not suffering for Christ, are you really living for Him? (Twitter bible study)

arrow - right to the heart. i'm too comfortable and i'm so weak. i get discouraged and confused and tired from the smallest things, but this is not suffering for Christ - this is selfish complaining. i have this anxious, urgent feeling in my heart that there is more i can do to live for God, that there is more than what i've settled for. God mess me up for Your glory, flip my life upside down for the sake of the gospel. i don't know how my life will be used for Your glory, but Lord open my eyes and give me greater vision for Your kingdom work.