escape

i've been coming to realize that, as much as i like to confront my problems head-on, i also definitely have escapist tendencies when a solution is not readily available. if i can't confront someone for various reasons, i will avoid them for as long as i have to to escape tension. if i can't do anything about the horrible feeling i have when i think i failed an exam, i will watch movies and kdramas and read books - anything to escape reality. when i get sick of being in philly, all i think about is going home to escape. when i can't do anything about feeling isolated and lonely, i sleep to escape my life. when i feel spiritually dry, i avoid doing QTs to escape that terrible feeling of being so far away from God.

but escape is not a solution. at best, it gives me a slight reprieve from everything, but it doesn't solve anything.

papercuts are annoying -__________-

i just got really irritated at the stupid papercut i have on my finger. it's in that annoying spot inside the joint so that every time i move my pinky, it twinges a bit. i don't even know how i got it! even though it kind-of-really does hurt, there's no way my pride will let me put on a band-aid for something so small.

it reminded me that sometimes it's the smallest flaws that can be the most annoying; it's the sins that seem smallest that i'm never willing to treat, and it's these sins that i can never seem to rid myself of..

seasons

after family group last night i suddenly felt really excited again about growing more deeply spiritually and about serving in GCC and even about my future and just everything about life in general. i had been really excited at the beginning of the semester but that feeling quickly faded after things became harder emotionally and academically and spiritually. last night it felt like i had surfaced and was breathing for the first time in a long time, like i came back from the deadness i've been feeling.

praise God for giving me seasons of desperation and tears and searching, so that when i find fulfillment in Him again i am filled to the brim with joy and anticipation at what He'll do in my life.

short list of blessings part 2:
- 2013 brothers prayer! as i write, they're meeting in meyerson for prayer. i've been so incredibly blessed to see how much they've grown in their individual spiritual walks and together as brothers. best brothers ever :)
- 2013 sisters are so encouraging! it's been so awesome to get to know more sisters, to grow deeper with the sisters i already knew, and to experience really speaking truth into each other's lives
- LCC winter retreat coming up! i'm so thankful for opportunities to serve LCCYG, it's a blessing to see them grow and struggle and really fight to live for God.
- GCC band has been amazing. i'm constantly learning humility and my own shortcomings - but God's complete sufficiency!
- this strange sense of peace i have although i probably won't end up passing my classes lol
- TWITTER <3 enough said ^^

i want to marry brooke fraser

i bought my ticket to the brooke fraser concert in the summer, when i first heard about it because i am a huge fan hers - not only in hillsong but also her independent music. but when i went sunday night i was afraid that she might disappoint (having already been severely disappointed by harry potter 7 -____-).

wow. i was so wrong.

i was completely blown away by how insanely cute she was, just in her mannerisms and quirky humor, and her ability to just be herself on stage. oh, and i was completely mesmermized by her voice which was about 10 times better live than the recordings!

when i met her up close and got my personal autograph, it was just the icing on the cake :)

fullness of who You are

i don't let my God be big enough, i shove Him in a box where i can call on Him when i need Him and have Him appear. God i want the real and living and powerful God, not this God-in-the-box i've made. God i want a burden for Your people and a vision for Your kingdom, i want You to fill all the lonely corners of my heart that i keep trying to fill with other things, i want You to be worth giving my life for, i want You to transform the ugliness inside heart into something beautiful. don't let me settle for a God that i've diminished, Lord show me the fullness of who You are.

there is still more

challenge of the week: if you're not suffering for Christ, are you really living for Him? (Twitter bible study)

arrow - right to the heart. i'm too comfortable and i'm so weak. i get discouraged and confused and tired from the smallest things, but this is not suffering for Christ - this is selfish complaining. i have this anxious, urgent feeling in my heart that there is more i can do to live for God, that there is more than what i've settled for. God mess me up for Your glory, flip my life upside down for the sake of the gospel. i don't know how my life will be used for Your glory, but Lord open my eyes and give me greater vision for Your kingdom work.

couldn't live without music

savior, please - josh wilson

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because
You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

---

i'm so tired of everything, so drained just trying to keep going. God i need Your joy

simple truth

i've been wrestling with so many questions in my spiritual life - which isn't all bad because it means my spiritual journey is on my mind, but i think i've ended up confusing myself more than anything. i was talking to an older sister the other day about some of these things and she said something that made me stop short: God is simple. we try to make things complex and ask Him if there's more. today while i was doing my QT i realized that's completely true.

in Experiencing God, the unit i'm currently going through is all about our relationship with God, the nature of God, His love, etc. and although i've thought about this topic so many times, going through it again brought up all these questions doubting my own motives and true spiritual state - am i truly serving because of my love for God or are there selfish motives? am i substituting these works for more depth in my relationship with God? do i really love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength - and what implications does that have for how i live every day? what does it even really mean to love God? does it mean that i have to have these warm fuzzy feelings every time i think about Him, or does it mean loving His people?

but one verse from today's devotion made everything fall into place.

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." - John 14:21

it's that simple. loving God is obeying Him - obeying Him when He tells me to take up my cross and follow Him daily, obeying Him when He tells me to lay down my pride and consider others better than myself, obeying Him when He tells me to trust in Him only, obeying Him when He tells me to have no other idols before Him. and when i do that i realize that i've just been complicating everything unnecessarily - all i need to do is follow Him and allow Him to direct my feet.

today in particular i feel like my blog is so aptly named; i'm constantly finding myself flat on my face, tripping over these simple truths that i still can't get over. luckily for me, i have a God who is always there to pick me up when i fall :)

when everything falls apart

You said
You'd never leave or forsake me
When you said
This life is gonna shake me
And you said
This world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

When I see
Darkness all around me
When I see
That tragedy has found me
I still believe
Your faithful arms will never let me go
And still I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

Sorrow will last for the night
But hope is rising with the sun
(It’s rising with the sun)
And there will be storms in this life
But I know you have overcome
You have overcome

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

- Everything Falls, by Fee

until then

i look inside me and all i can see is selfishness.brokenness.ugliness.pride.insecurity.fear.discouragement.darkness.anger.hurt.jealousy.anxiety.shame.unworthiness.
the sin in my heart passes in front of my eyes and fills up my vision until it's all i see
i can't run to you because i'm shackled by these chains, i'm tripping over myself until i'm flat on my face
all the things i've been trying so hard to do start to unravel and become transparent, useless

but somehow

You look at me and see Your child covered in a robe of righteousness
You make me whole, You make me new, putting together the broken fragments to make something beautiful
You pick me up where i fell and free me from the heavy burdens weighing me down, You meet me in my brokenness
You have already said that it is finished, but the good work You began in me will be carried on to completion

until i am made like You,
until i see You,
until i am with You,

mold me. break me. refine me.

A-Z randoms about me

i promised that my blog would tell you more about me so here goes :)


Aloe: asian drink i've been addicted to lately

Blankets: i love blankets - they make you feel warm and loved

Continents: i want to travel to all 7 (even antarctica!) by the time i die

Dance: one thing i can't do but seriously wish i could..

Elephant Love Medley, Moulin Rouge: probably most listened-to song since the summer <3

Facial hair: one of my biggest pet peeves on asian guys >.<

GCC: I LOVE GRACE COVENANT CHURCH. my home away from home, my family :)

Harry Potter: best books ever written, worst movies ever made

Ice cream: is not as good as froyo

Jessica: my full name that no one uses except for strangers or profs

Kenya/K'NEX: the country where my adorable World Vision Hope Child lives + the BEST summer family group :D :D

Laughing: so hard i fall off my chair is the best kind

May: my birthday month, most beautiful month of the year

Naps: i could nap my whole life away. enough said.

Orgo: currently the bane of my existence T.T

Philippians: my favorite book of the bible

Quirkiness: unfortunately a characteristic my mom encouraged in me when i was little.. no wonder i am the way i am >.>

R&B: music FTWWW

Siblings: older sister (24) and younger sister (11), i love them but they make me wonder sometimes if i was adopted haha

TWITTER: my completely awesome family group! :D

UP: my freshman year family group, will always have a special place in my heart =]

Vests: i have a total thing for vests - men, women, kids, everyone ;)

Wisconsin: born in Madison, grew up in Milwaukee in the same house since i was 3

X-files: include all my baby pictures of when i was digustingly fat

Yi family Monopoly Deal reigning champ: me ^^ (it was such an intense tournament, i'm proud to have this title!)

Zero: number of all-nighters i've pulled

my happy place :)

TWITTER <3

being refined

lately i've been having a hard time because i've been involved in a lot of conflicts. it's been somewhat discouraging because it's made me see so clearly how much i'm lacking in patience and love, plus it's been a strain emotionally and mentally; tension is something i don't deal with well and mostly just avoid like the plague. but i've realized slowly that this is really an answer to my prayer that God would show me where i need to grow more, that He would show me my sin so that i can grow from it. and i really believe i've been growing, not only in how to lay down my pride and seek to understand the other person, but also in realizing just how far i fall short of God's perfection. it's truly amazing to think about how God can love someone as flawed as me, when i can't even love other people as imperfect as i am. also, i think God's been giving me opportunities to deepen relationships with people around me - older brothers and sisters who listen and give me wisdom that i need to hear, friends who sympathize, and my roommate who stays up late into the night to talk and pray with me. but most of all, when i'm able to talk to that person i've fought with and we come to a place of understanding, it's like a new depth has been discovered - we're able to love and forgive because Christ is the base of that relationship, because God's love is flowing through and between us. i see God's hand working to shape my character, to show me the depth of my depravity and how sufficient His grace is in the midst of that. i am a work in progress, being refined to become a worker for His kingdom :)

daddy's little girl

i love my mom like crazy but ever since i was little, i've always been a daddy's girl. i have two sisters and no brothers, so my dad doesn't have any sons, but i was a little tomboy when i was younger. for example, when we went camping, my older sister would help my mom cook and set up the beds, while me and my dad would set up the tent and get wood to start the fire. i also took up the mantle of my dad's obsession with Star Wars, going to see all the movies with him in the theaters and watching all the rest so often that i could (and still can) quote multiple scenes by memory. i played (or tried to play) all the sports my dad liked too, namely soccer and tennis. since i utterly failed at soccer, i settled for tennis and played as long as i can remember, as well as for four years in high school; i still love to play with my dad when i go home for breaks. i even imitated my dad in the foods i chose to eat when i was little. since i couldn't eat kimchi when i was small, i settled for eating pickles so that i could make the same kind of crunching noise my dad made when he ate kimchi at dinner ^^

having this kind of relationship with my dad should have been easier for me to accept God as my heavenly Father, and to enjoy the same kind of warm and loving relationship. but for reasons that are still unknown to me, i really struggle with viewing God as my Father. i know others struggle with this because their earthly fathers are distant figures of authority who simply demand results from their children, but my dad is not like that. he always told me to do my best, but never instilled in me a performance mentality; rather, i did the things i did when i was younger to please him because i love my dad. in the same way, God calls us to serve not because He orders us to; rather, He wants it to be an offering of ourselves that results from a love relationship with our Maker. i tend to view God as my Master, and trying to live my life as a servant rather than a child of God. i constantly find that i'm frustrated with myself because i know what God wants from me is just an outpouring of His love returned to Him and i'm not sure why i can't view serving in that light - why it sometimes feels like a burden rather than a joy, why i get frustrated with others who i'm supposed to be humbly serving, why my heart is sometimes simply not in the right place. i get stuck in performance mentality - doing things for God without allowing the relationship to drive those things.

enter Experiencing God! it's only been a week but already, i love love LOVE this bible study guide and i'm so glad that me and my accountability partner decided to go through it this year. last night, i was feeling really run-down from being sick and trying to plan the saturday hangout, but after going through the bible study i felt RENEWED and completely invigorated. the study was about serving and said that a servant is not someone who asks God "what do you want me to do?" but rather someone God works with and through. it reminded me that is not our own efforts that that accomplish anything; everything we do without God is worthless. it is God's work that we are partnering with, God's work that is establishing His kingdom here on earth. another point i really liked was that "to be a servant of God, you must be moldable and remain in the hand of your Master". i felt like this was really basic, but again, something i forget all the time! although God does send me off to do His work, i can't forget that i'm never taken out of His hand; He is always carrying me so i should never feel the burden of "having" to do His work. God's work is a delight, and even when it can get hard, God himself is so much bigger and He takes all the weight off my shoulders. all i have to do is enjoy serving Him and bless His people, showing them the great POWER of the God we are serving :) essentially, i can just take on the role of a child, having eyes only for my Father - watching and imitating the things he does, but also resting in His arms and allowing Him to carry me. i'm not required to follow my Father's example, but because i'm driven to be like Him and please Him, i will naturally end up serving like He did. i want to have the mark of my Father on me, for everyone to be able to see that i am my daddy's little girl.

This is my memory verse for this week, courtesy of EG: "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5

exploding with excitement

it's been such a long time since my blog post and this short little blurb is a completely inadequate update, but my heart right now is just too excited to post anything reflective or meaningful in any way. i am completely bursting with anticipation! i have so many things to look forward to for this year..

1. GCC intro night tomorrow night & frosh/soph hangout on saturday
2. new family groups starting this week!
3. FRESHMENNNNN!!! enough said ^^
4. starting Experiencing God with sunny kang (there's your shout out haha)
5. all the awesome things God has waiting in store for me this year, molding and shaping of my heart and character
6. joining band!
7. watching God work in our class to grow us in wisdom and love
8. my super awesome living arrangement with my lovely roommate christine shen =]
9. classes that are actually interesting to me with profs that seem really chill and cool
10. EVERYTHING ELSE that i don't know about yet but can feel waiting for me around the corner =]

even though people keep telling me that i will probably have a sophomore slump, right now i'm just so so excited for this year!

faith is a verb

Leaping into uncertainty
Standing on the Rock of Christ
Tasting the sweetness of true freedom
Clinging to my Lifeline in the midst of the hurricane
Founding my identity on eternal truth
Stumbling in the darkness
Allowing the hand of my Guide to lead me home
Realizing that my life is not about me
Drinking from the Fountain of immeasurable joy
Witnessing the transforming power of the gospel
Taking up my cross to follow Him
Seeking and seeking, and finally finding
Being loved and loving in return
Living life to the fullest measure

a day of firsts

today me and four other girls went on an awesome beach trip to ocean city, NJ. we left around 7 in the morning and drove for about an hour and a half before we got there, but because we missed GCC service, we decided to go to a Catholic mass. it was very interesting for me because i've never really experienced any other church besides my home church and GCC (okay so i visited a white christian church ONCE but that's really it..). it was different, to say the least.

after we sat down in pews, the priest began reciting certain creeds and pausing to hear the response from the congregation. this didn't seem too different from our recitation of the apostles' creed, but in a different and more elongated format. but one conspicuous difference was that this seemed to take the place of worship; there was no other form of "opening worship". after several rounds of this we sat down and the priest began to talk. he read the Lord's Prayer and then read a short story relating to it, following it up with a comparison of his own. and then, to my complete shock, it was over. the sermon had only lasted about 15 minutes at the maximum (and honestly, that was probably due more to the priest's slow manner of speech than the actual length of what he read). i was completely taken aback because i hadn't heard a message that short since i was in the church's pre-school program! after that, there were more recitations of creeds that i couldn't quite catch, and then hymns were sung during the collection of offering. the hymns were beautiful, accompanied only by voice and (i think) organ. then, the whole congregation got up row by row to take Communion. i took the wafer and brought it back to my seat, not really caring that the lady had told me to eat it right away; i wanted to reflect and prepare my heart before i took Communion, and the four of us who were Asian stuck out like sore thumbs in this all-white church anyway so i didn't care much if i was breaking "tradition".

that's the crux of what i concluded from that mass. for me personally, it was hard to find Jesus amidst the man-made traditions and rituals. it seemed like it would be very easy to slip into the routine of coming to church for the service every Sunday, never once stopping to think about the significance of those actions, and completely missing an encounter with the living God. part of it is probably that it was different for me and that i have been used to being given time to pray and meet with God personally (my friend told me later that often Catholics come early to the service and pray on their own before mass) so it was more difficult for me. but it really made me think: even within our own church community, how often do we go through the motions of going to church and church activities - but completely miss Jesus? this morning, i felt like my spiritual senses got a little keener and i was praying for the spirit of discernment between my opinion and the truth. but regardless, it was a blessing because i really approached that service seeking to find God, determined to meet with Him on His holy day.

on a completely different note..

i went to a new jersey beach for the first time today and it was so much fun! it was so blessing to fellowship with the girls, especially since sunny and i did a devotion and prayed together early in the morning after we woke up. it was a time of fun and sun and it was just what i needed to rejunevate myself in preparation for this week :)

setting my priorities straight

this is what we have older sisters in christ for.. i'm so thankful :)

extravagant waste

My computer died on Friday :(

I was walking home from work and it suddenly began pouring like I've never seen before. I was literally trudging home soaking wet, my jeans sticking to my legs, ankle-deep in floodwater everywhere. I checked to make sure my backpack was keeping all the things in my backpack dry as I took cover briefly at the Penn bookstore (it was) but somehow by the time I got home (less than 10 min later) water had seeped into my backpack past my laptop protective case and into the laptop itself. I hoped I could save it, but after I got a $100 diagnosis by an Apple care provider, they told me the damage would cost $900 to fix. So I'm getting a new laptop and I'm beating myself up for my stupidity. If only I had thought to wrap my laptop up in a plastic bag or put it inside my jacket, I wouldn't need to pay another $1000 (basically everything I've earned so far this summer at work..) to buy another laptop barely a year after my first (which was supposed to last me four years >.>). Sighhh.. It's just such a waste of money to pay for my idiocy and I really really hate being wasteful.

But it reminded me of a sermon I heard about the parable of the prodigal son. It was the first time I had ever heard the true definition of "prodigal". I had always assumed (from the context of the parable) that it meant "returning after going astray". But what it really means is "wasteful, extravagant". The pastor then went on to explain that in the parable, it is not only the son who is "prodigal", but that the Father represents a Prodigal God as well (he took points from Tim Keller's book, The Prodigal God). God's love is extravagant for us, but so wasteful if you think about it. Why would God love us so much when we can't give Him back anything of worth? In a profits-and-returns point of view, that's a waste of an investment. But fortunately for us, God doesn't think of what He can receive in return, but rather pours out His love on us extravagantly. He didn't hold back anything from us but offered Himself to us through Jesus, inviting us to have intimate fellowship with Him, calling us to run into His arms and spend eternity with Him. For Him, this is the most extravagant waste conceivable; for us, it is the most precious gift.

about me?

My profile is empty because I'm too unoriginal (and too lazy) to describe myself in a witty way :P

So.. I am going to let people send me questions about myself for a while and then answer them in a post. I promise to answer honestly and I'll only not answer questions that I think are a waste of my time haha. So ask me about anything and everything.

Ready, set, GO! :D

the case for christ

The past few days I've been thinking about starting summer class (dreading it with all my heart) and marveling at how hard I study to learn useless information that I will never again need my whole life. And then I thought about how much effort I spend in comparison learning and studying Jesus; my conclusion was pathetic. So I'm going to begin putting more of an effort into learning about Jesus objectively rather than just depending on my subjective experience. After all, "Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your MIND.'" (Matthew 22:37, emphasis mine) Obviously, this quest of mine will include majorly stepping up my Bible reading, but I also want to get a better context with which to read the Word and be able to defend my position as a Christian. I've been asking people for recommendations on good Christian books (let me know if you have any! :D) and I went to the bookstore yesterday to just browse. I came across this book I've been meaning to read for a while, called The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It was so good, I couldn't put it down (I literally read the book while walking from the bookstore to my house).

Lee Strobel was a investigative journalist for the Chicago Tribune and after his wife became Christian, he applied his investigative skills to objectively explore the life and resurrection of Jesus. He began as an atheist trying to prove that Jesus was merely a good teacher, not the Son of God - and he completed his two year journey by committing his life to Christ. He concluded that there was no logical explanation for Jesus other than the claim that he was the Messiah. He said that he had seen many criminals sentenced to death row on much less evidence than what he had been presented with.

He consulted medical, archaelogical, psychological, and theological experts - all of whom supported their Christian beliefs with solid evidence and sound logic. It was heartening to read about Christian experts discussing Jesus as a historical and objective fact, rather than merely something that can be experienced in our hearts. Strobel did his research thoroughly on all the objections and conspiracy theories about the cross and the empty grave, challenging these experts, only to be faced with conclusive evidence that Jesus truly lived and rose from the dead. For me personally, it was a confirmation of my faith and gave me logical reasons to support it against arguments of skeptics. It also contained a few real and personal testimonies, which were blessing to read. I highly recommend this book to any non-believers and seekers who read it with an open mind. To you, I'd say leave open the possibility that just maybe there really was an incredible man who came 2,000 years ago to redeem His people, and is still continuing to transform people's lives today =]

fresh beginnings

I decided to start a blog, mostly just to be able to have a place to write out my mind's meanderings, but also to be able to share how I've been blessed and moved =]

Since AMI Revolution was what triggered the idea to start a blog, I'll start there. I've tried to condense my experience as much as possible but there were just too many blessings and convictions so this post will still be extremely long.

I came to AMI with a very weary spirit, but one that wasn’t really thirsting after God. Even though I dedicated this summer to growing in Christ and really seeking after God’s will, it was really difficult for me to put that in practice. Between family group, FNL, Sunday service, and constantly meeting up with GCC people, it was easy for me to rely on those things to feed me spiritually rather than seek after God in my own quiet times. The first night, however, God really addressed this apathetic attitude in me. Pastor Sam came and preached about how God has so much more in store for us than we could ever imagine – that we are content to only eat the crumbs falling from the table when He has prepared an amazing banquet for us. I began to pray for an outpouring of the Spirit, and this really set the tone for all my worship and prayer throughout the conference. I’m so thankful; I believe I’ve finally experienced what it means to hunger after God, to really seek His presence – not for the sake of seeking answers, but just to want to be filled by Him.

I attended the “Ministry of Worship” seminar, which I think was applicable not only to ministries involving music but also just to everyday Christians. P. Bruce talked about what it means to really worship; because we have been purified by Christ, now all our actions are holy and that means worship is 24/7, not just when we sing or attend service. And the body of believers needs to worship in spirit and in truth, to praise God for the reality of who He is so that this is not determined by our circumstances or emotions, but that we praise God regardless of these things at all times simply because of who He is.

The second night, P. Sam preached about having an orphan spirit, how we often forget that we are children of God. I was really struck by this and realized that when I pray, I never call God “Father”. I’ve just been so stuck in this performance orientation in my spiritual journey, so focused on serving my Lord and judging my spirituality by what I do. I completely abuse the verse James 2:18 (“Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.”) and instead I begin “performing” for God, trying to prove to Him how faithful I am and how much I love Him by what I do for Him. I am constantly beating myself up for not being a faithful enough servant, telling myself that God deserves so much more than what I am giving Him, constantly feeling the weight of failing God on my heart. And because of that, I cannot rest in my Father’s arms and simply enjoy being in His presence. P. Sam spoke about how spiritually, emotionally, and even physically exhausting this is – and I knew exactly what he was talking about. My body and spirit were so weary going into AMI that all I wanted to do was escape from everything in Philly and go somewhere else. All my feelings of failing God, myself, and other people were just so heavy that I couldn’t even summon up the energy to be hungry for God. But, as P. Sam reminded me, this Christian life has never been about what I can do – it is always about what God can do, and is doing, in my life. It’s all about this amazing love of the Father who sees His children when they are far from Him and runs to embrace them; it’s all about the sufficiency of His grace that covers our deepest shame and failure. Later during ministry time, P. Sam prayed for me. He told me that I was God’s precious daughter, His treasure, that even though I viewed myself as a rock, I was like a diamond in God’s eyes. He also told me that I was not a welcoming doormat. As I found a spot to pray, I just closed my eyes and sat there, letting those words wash over me and heal all the brokenness inside my heart. I felt the presence of God nearer to me than I have since the day I was saved. All those feelings of failure fell from me and I was just overwhelmed with grace; it’s not something I can adequately describe in words. I also began praying for God to reveal to me what He meant by “you are not a welcoming doormat”, and He started to show me all the resentment I had built up in my heart for all the relationships in my life where I felt like people were using me, stepping on me. But through it, He began healing that bitterness – even if I am used by other people, it doesn’t matter because He is the God who sees me and views me as a precious treasure. As I continued to pray, I had this clear picture in my mind’s eye: I was sitting on the ground cross-legged in an empty room and God’s hand was resting on my head, anointing me. I wasn’t sure what to make of this until later after the service, when I looked at my AMI booklet and saw the cover; the theme of AMI was “Overflow” and the corresponding verse was taken from Psalm 23:5 – “You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” That’s when I understood that God’s intent in that anointing was to bless me, to fill me until I overflowed with joy.

The last night, P. Young led us into prayer time after the message and he told us to just relax and let the Spirit do work in us. That was strange for me because I’m used to fighting for blessings, crying out to God to come down in power. But instead I just sat there and I started to pray quietly, just telling God honestly what was on my heart. I told Him that I was tired of constantly fighting the discouragement I feel when I fail, that I was tired of being stuck in this performance orientation, that I was tired of even being hungry for His presence. I told Him that I didn’t feel like I could do it anymore. I expected God to tell me that His grace was sufficient for me, and that I could continue fighting with His strength. Instead, I heard an audible voice inside my head telling me, “I will fight for you. I am singing over you.” This was the first time I have ever been confident that God was speaking to me directly; it was not a response I would have imagined coming from God and the Spirit gave me faith in my heart that this was truly from God. When I got home after AMI, I looked up references to God singing and this is the verse I found: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) I was kind of blown away by the intensity of this verse. God was telling me that even though I am weak, He is mighty to save, that He will fight for me. And not only that, but although I feel so inadequate before Him, He takes great delight in me and will gently quiet all my fears with His amazing love.