daddy's little girl

i love my mom like crazy but ever since i was little, i've always been a daddy's girl. i have two sisters and no brothers, so my dad doesn't have any sons, but i was a little tomboy when i was younger. for example, when we went camping, my older sister would help my mom cook and set up the beds, while me and my dad would set up the tent and get wood to start the fire. i also took up the mantle of my dad's obsession with Star Wars, going to see all the movies with him in the theaters and watching all the rest so often that i could (and still can) quote multiple scenes by memory. i played (or tried to play) all the sports my dad liked too, namely soccer and tennis. since i utterly failed at soccer, i settled for tennis and played as long as i can remember, as well as for four years in high school; i still love to play with my dad when i go home for breaks. i even imitated my dad in the foods i chose to eat when i was little. since i couldn't eat kimchi when i was small, i settled for eating pickles so that i could make the same kind of crunching noise my dad made when he ate kimchi at dinner ^^

having this kind of relationship with my dad should have been easier for me to accept God as my heavenly Father, and to enjoy the same kind of warm and loving relationship. but for reasons that are still unknown to me, i really struggle with viewing God as my Father. i know others struggle with this because their earthly fathers are distant figures of authority who simply demand results from their children, but my dad is not like that. he always told me to do my best, but never instilled in me a performance mentality; rather, i did the things i did when i was younger to please him because i love my dad. in the same way, God calls us to serve not because He orders us to; rather, He wants it to be an offering of ourselves that results from a love relationship with our Maker. i tend to view God as my Master, and trying to live my life as a servant rather than a child of God. i constantly find that i'm frustrated with myself because i know what God wants from me is just an outpouring of His love returned to Him and i'm not sure why i can't view serving in that light - why it sometimes feels like a burden rather than a joy, why i get frustrated with others who i'm supposed to be humbly serving, why my heart is sometimes simply not in the right place. i get stuck in performance mentality - doing things for God without allowing the relationship to drive those things.

enter Experiencing God! it's only been a week but already, i love love LOVE this bible study guide and i'm so glad that me and my accountability partner decided to go through it this year. last night, i was feeling really run-down from being sick and trying to plan the saturday hangout, but after going through the bible study i felt RENEWED and completely invigorated. the study was about serving and said that a servant is not someone who asks God "what do you want me to do?" but rather someone God works with and through. it reminded me that is not our own efforts that that accomplish anything; everything we do without God is worthless. it is God's work that we are partnering with, God's work that is establishing His kingdom here on earth. another point i really liked was that "to be a servant of God, you must be moldable and remain in the hand of your Master". i felt like this was really basic, but again, something i forget all the time! although God does send me off to do His work, i can't forget that i'm never taken out of His hand; He is always carrying me so i should never feel the burden of "having" to do His work. God's work is a delight, and even when it can get hard, God himself is so much bigger and He takes all the weight off my shoulders. all i have to do is enjoy serving Him and bless His people, showing them the great POWER of the God we are serving :) essentially, i can just take on the role of a child, having eyes only for my Father - watching and imitating the things he does, but also resting in His arms and allowing Him to carry me. i'm not required to follow my Father's example, but because i'm driven to be like Him and please Him, i will naturally end up serving like He did. i want to have the mark of my Father on me, for everyone to be able to see that i am my daddy's little girl.

This is my memory verse for this week, courtesy of EG: "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5