GCC retreat 2011

i went to retreat feeling like i was hitting a brick wall in my spiritual walk with God - just banging my head over and over, but not even making a dent. i wanted "more" from God; i wasn't really sure what it was, but i knew that there was more He had to offer me and i wanted it. i was actually really sick the week leading up to retreat (and completely miserable on the ride there) so my heart wasn't ready at all. i'm really thankful that i got to go early with the band and get my heart set up for the next few days, in addition to setting up equipment.

this was my first retreat being on GCC band and it was both harder and more blessing - harder because i couldn't freely pray with others and sing with the congregation, and more blessing because i found i could worship freely in my heart. while i prayed on my own, God showed me how to cry out to Him in both spirit and voice. i wanted God to show me more of Himself, to reveal Himself to me, but while i prayed that's not the answer i got; i felt God's presence so strongly, but what He was saying instead was to wait - that He wanted me to see my own desperate heart for Him, and that he would pour out but in His own timing. i felt peace just settle into my heart as i realized that God is the one who put this spiritual hunger in me, and that God is one who will fulfill it - He will satisfy, in His own timing.

one thing i will remember vividly for a long time is what pastor joe prayed over me. he asked me, "do you know what boba is? God is telling you that you are trying to drink this bubble tea with a coffee stirrer." at the time, this really spoke to me because it reminded me that God is a God who sees me and my frustration. but now, i feel like God is telling me that i need to build the tools and discipline first in order to receive and experience the "more" that He has for me. i left retreat not with a neatly tied "this is my takeaway from the last 3 days" but rather, a deep hunger after having received a taste - and knowing that there is so much more.

i met up with an older sister a few days after retreat and after we shared about retreat, she said the only thing going through her mind as she looked at me was "breakthrough.. breakthrough.. breakthrough is coming." it was a huge blessing to have confirmed the same feeling i got; i feel like there is a huge release coming soon, when whatever is holding me back inside is finally released and the floodgates opened. she suggested to me that (since i have no classes on fridays) i reserve friday as my sabbath day, a day solely dedicated to God. and i really resonated with this suggestion; i have so many things i want to do, like journal and go on prayer walks and just play praise songs on the guitar, and i feel like having this day set apart for God will help me just soak in His presence without worrying about anything else. it'll take a lot more time management to be able to take away a whole day from studying and working, but i think it'll be so worth it to be able to spend that precious time with God - without anything else filling my mind for that day.